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Title: Shadows: The City of Secrets: Prologue

Author: Volteair Author Icon

Type: Short story


An interesting look into the life of a professional assassin. The readers learn more about his gun than about him, but I suppose that makes sense! But just as the readers might begin to wonder if that is all there is to him, you throw in a snippet that makes them see him as a person: A locket with a picture of a girl. It comes a little out of the blue but is well placed after the previous paragraph which gave the impression that he is little more than a killing machine.

There is quite a bit of repetition in the first paragraph which, as the paragraph is so short, is quite noticeable. You could probably rephrase it slightly to avoid that and still show the interaction between the assassin and 'the caller.' As this is your opening paragraph and you want to hook the readers, you might want to flesh it out a bit too. When did this call happen? Was the voice gruff because it was the middle of the night or maybe because he was annoyed at being interrupted? (There is also a typo in there you might want to fix: How many I help you? – "may.")

There’s an intriguing line a little later on,

After an incident that plagued the world

which made me wonder what might have happened and how it related to the main character's story. You have an interesting opening and judging by the title and short description, there is more to the story than you disclose in the prologue.




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