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 Review #4035342 |
 | Quick love over the summer  [13+] a little story put together by me. just a little one so make sure to comment!thanks!!!!!!  |
| (2.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Quick love over the summer Author: Lauren16 Type: Short story What a terrible shame to waste a summer being bored! At least it looks like something was about to happen to liven it up for the main character, although she didn't know what it was but it probably didn't matter. It would have been good to see her reaction to the text message at the end. Did she roll her eyes because it was the kind of message Jason sent her all the time? Did she jump up with excitement or fear and run to find out what happened? It might give the readers some clue what to expect, although I'm not sure you even know it yet.  Before you continue the story you might want to take a look at the formatting of it. You need a bit more structure as at the moment, it is all in one paragraph and sometimes there are no spaces between sentences. At the very least, you need to begin a new paragraph when a different character acts or speaks, so the part where Emily talks to her sister needs to be spaced out accordingly. I would also suggest omitting the sound effects - instead of saying “KNOCK KNOCK” simply say that there was a knock on the door. You could take that opportunity to add a bit more description by saying that it startled Emily because she was so engrossed in the video she was watching, or something like that. You told the readers a lot of facts about Emily like how many siblings she had and how many weeks into the summer holidays it was, but they know very little about her as a person, which is far more important to make them relate to the character and be interested in her life and her story. I hope that you get some good ideas how to continue this tale.   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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