Hello P.F. Morgan,

I found your story "Invalid Item"  on the "review a newbie" link and thought it was an enjoyable read.

I don't pretend to be an English major or an expert in grammar. You don't have to agree with anything I am saying, I'm simply offering my humble opinion concerning your work. I hope you find this feedback useful

Overall Impression:
I thought your story was a very good description of what true heart break is, and why the term is so inadequate. The word descriptions you chose to describe what you rally feel were excellent (...core of my being has been shredded and left to rot, ...beat of my heart that ensures I feel every pang and live in every moment without escape). It's obvious by these descriptions that the heart isn't broke, and because of that fact, it's whats causing you the misery. I really liked the way you made that point in the first paragraph!! In the second paragraph you describe your inability to get past this pain quickly enough. I like the line that describes your current state of being, "...chasm of emptiness inside of me and pain like jagged rocks that pierce my chest and leave me gasping for breath." If this wasn't bad enough you go on to describe your yearning for one more moment together. I thought your word choices were excellent and made me the reader feel the agony the person was suffering.


Grammar and Mechanics:
I saw no problems with your writing mechanics or grammar

Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is to keep putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) You are very talented and I look forward to reading/reviewing more of your work.

I also see you are new to WDC and want to welcome you

Thank you for sharing your story.

I welcome you to visit my portfolio and offer a review on any piece that may interest you

Rozebud



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .