Author: wien
Reviewer: Cobe

Hi! Cobe here to give you a random review in affiliation with "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  as part of a challenge for "a very Wodehouse challenge" . Since I have never reviewed you before, I wanted you to know a little about how I go about my reviews. First, I read through the piece, making notes as I go, and then I fill in my form with all of the aspects I think need mentioned. I tend to look for ways to tighten up the language of a piece, correct any POV errors, and give overall impressions. Since this is a random review, I won't give a line-by-line edit but if you want one from me, feel free to ask.

General Impressions :This is a great beginning to a mystery set in the 18th century. It took me a minute or two to realize the time setting for this and so I was a bit confused, but I quickly figured it out.

Characters :There are a lot of characters in this chapter, and while they place the protagonist in a precarious position, I'm left wondering if it isn't a bit too confusing. You certainly have to keep Xaver and Camilla and Bettina, at the end, and probably the little boy, too. But I'd leave out the baby and the boy with the rugs so the reader can focus on the story line and what is happening with them.

I really like Sophie. She seems like a strong main character with lots of mystery about her. I find myself wondering what her job really is? Artist? Mercenary? Female spy?

Hook:The hook is really good. The reader is left wondering what Sophie will do. Which path will she follow? And you've set it up in such a way that the reader feels her indecision by the end. Good job!

Setting :The setting is well done. You've given us details of the town through the window so we are grounded in a place, and you've provided us with details of the room they are in so the reader can picture the place. I wonder about the size of the space though. When I was first reading through, it seemed to be a smallish space on the top floor of a building, and yet, it's big enough that Xaver can't hear what the women a few steps away are discussing? Maybe the rugs could be for the other room to give the women more space? Just a thought ...

Dialog :The dialog here is good and easy to follow. Some of the tag lines seem a bit long but could easily be trimmed without losing any meaning.

Voice:The voice is 1st person and very well done. There is a tendency when writing in 1st person to lapse into omniscient voice, but I think I only found one on my third pass through.

Suggestions:Overall, I really like this piece, so my suggestions are minor ones which you can take or leave as you see best. I might trim some of the adverbs and look at rephrasing to eliminate passive voice verbs. You haven't gone overboard with either of them, so it really is minor.

The other thing that bugs me is the use of negatives like this for example:
"I couldn’t stand back to admire the border round the window, because I was balancing on the office chair."

Generally, it is better to use positives to explain or describe a situation. The reader doesn't need knowledge of what isn't happening or isn't possible so phrases like that tend to make a piece wordy. As a suggestion, I might rewrite this phrase like:
"I was balanced on the office chair with no way to admire my work."

Grammar: I'm horrible at grammar but I don't think I even saw a misspelled word in this chapter. Well done!




These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.

I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .