Author: Dragon is hiding
Reviewer: Cobe

Hi. Here to give you a review of your work in progress in affiliation with "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  as part of a challenge for "a very Wodehouse challenge" . I picked this to review because it caught my attention from the beginning and I wanted to encourage you to keep working on it.

In General: I really like the thoughts behind this. It could be interesting to see what happens to a teenager from Australia in the middle of LA. A new culture is always a great place to drop your protagonist. Because she is 15, I think I'd make parts of this as if they were a diary entry of some kind, whether written or recorded verbally. The whole first section seems like it would fit well into a diary entry.

The Characters: Although we only see much about your protagonist, I think most of the characters seem believable and real. Although, I've never run into a passport official who was that weird. I like this girl and want to know more about her story. The mom seems really distant. Has she not even explained why they are moving half-way around the world? Makes me wonder if something is wrong with the mom or if they are running from something ... like a mean dad.

The Setting: This is one thing the chapter needs more of. We find out what's not being seen, like the Hollywood sign, but we don't know what she does see. And I'm wondering about the shivering. I know they are going from summer to winter, but LA is not known for their freezing temps.

Suggestions: Keep going. I think this could be a great story. You have a unique voice here!

I am just another writer, so take what you can use and disregard the rest!
Happy Writing!
Cobe

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .