Author:websterb
Reviewer:Cobe

Hi! I'm here to give you a review in affiliation with {item:398524) as part of a challenge for {item:1280691}. I found your piece on the random review page and was intrigued by the title.

In General: The subject of this piece is good and holds the promise of mystery. The reader has some idea of who the character is and the story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. I like it, but it may be a bit too mysterious, because we never find out what the letter said.

Character: The reader is in the head of this character and so learns what the thought patterns are and how he/she feels, which is great. However, we don't know if this is a male or a female nor how old this character is. Also readers like to connect with the characters and they do so initially by having a name. All of these things could be easily incorporated with small details. For example - to give us a name - the character could "read" the address on the envelope.

Setting: We are in a house. The details are minimal but enough to know to let the reader know where they are. That's really good and really clear. A few more details, with the character interacting with them, might give this more depth. For example: What does the sofa look like? Is it soft and the character sinks in? Or is it ultra-modern and sleek where the character is perched on its edge? The reader will infer different things by which scene is given to them.

Voice: 1st person - well done

Hook: The reader will want to keep reading through to the end to find out what the character is so anxiously waiting for. So, in that sense the hook is good. However, when they get to the end and find out that the character isn't going to share what was in the letter, they might feel cheated and be left with a bad thought. Somehow you should give more hints as to what the letter even pertains to or even simply have the character read it out loud, or to his/her cat. Right now the reader doesn't know if this is job related, health related, personal, or a stalker sending anonymous threats so they don't have enough to connect their imagination to.

Suggestions: Just a couple of thoughts as I was reading - this has a lot of adverbs and prepositional phrases. Some are okay, I think. Other people say never use them at all. Cutting back on a few would help the flow. Also, try shortening the sentence structures. Short sentences give the reader a heightened sense of anxiety which you want, especially when you have a character like this waiting for something for a long time. For example:

"With the coffee in hand I walked through the small corridor that joined the kitchen to the living room and entrance. The post had landed in a chaotic jumble. I crouched down and carefully sifted through. I pushed away pizza delivery leaflets, bills and various junk mail to find, quietly sitting at the bottom, a small white envelope that had my name and address carefully printed in small blocked letters. I knew instantly that this was the one I was waiting for."

First, I would make this it's own paragraph. It's one set of actions/one thought process. Then I would pair down the adverbs and prepositions. And finally I would add an important detail to the story but putting in his name. So, it might read something like this:

"Coffee in hand, I went into the closet-like hall between the kitchen and living room. The post laid in a chaotic jumble. I crouched and sifted through. Pushing away a pizza delivery ad, a couple of bills, and four pieces of junk, I found the small white envelope on the cracked tile floor. "Herman Hathaway, 61 Eggerton Gardens, London SW3" was printed in neat blocked letters. My hand trembled as I picked it up."

Overall:I enjoyed reading and reviewing this and hope you will continue to develop it. I think it could be a fascination story. Thanks for sharing!

Happy Writing!
Cobe

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .