Congratulations on being in "The WDC Angel Army"  Author Spotlight for November! I'm doing this review for the Angel Army as well as "a very Wodehouse challenge" .

Things I Like:

You have some very nice word choice in this piece. The flow is also quite good for the most part. I also appreciate the general theme and meaning here.

Yay for poetry under the influence, by the way. It can be rather freeing.

Observations & Suggestions:

So... the lack of punctuation and capitalization here doesn't bother me. Your line breaks work pretty well in their place. Visually, though... the two "i wanted" lines followed by two "and" lines is unappealing to my eye. I would consider tweaking that.

In general, the "i wanted / i wanted" is not an effective repetition for me. It sounds whiny somehow.

The "and now i find myself" is a great double-meaning line, but it seems to me that "but" works much better than "and". I wanted this, BUT now I don't... not "and" now I don't. It also tweaks the "and/and" lines that look so weird to me personally.

The use of negligence is slightly odd, but I sorta like it. Every time I read the piece, I change my opinion. Once I'll love it. The next time it seems off. I thought I'd mention it.

The intro could be a little bit more interesting somehow. It works in context, but it isn't much of a hook. People might keep reading just because it is super short though, even without a hook.

The "as cold / as the hole in my chest" has an awkward flow. It isn't bad... it just isn't very smooth. Perhaps because "as the" and "in my" are both dull, choppy little phrases?

Overall, I think the piece has some strengths, but there is certainly room for improvement if you decided to revise it sometime. It was a pretty decent read though... I don't regret checking it out.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .