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 Review #4103214 |
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| (4.0)| Hello Renee  , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid Item" This is part of your review package from Showering Acts of Joy. This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.  The Title: The quotation that was the prompt or inspiration for this contest was lyrical. If I were in your place I would have kept a reference to the words therein, used the natural alliteration and the glancing allusion to a well known disease spread by the tse-tse fly, with the words: "Sleeping Sadness". I am not saying that my choice would have been better, just trying to show that there are many available devices to make a title stand out from the trees that crowd our WDC forest. Such items would be more likely to be perused than otherwise. The intro did a deft job of giving us insight into why you consider the sadness to be unusual, since that condition, by itself, is not rare. The Beginning: There are errors within this tale, I will try and tackle an example of each type under the 'Suggestions' section. Beginnings however, must be impeccable. That means one goes back over the first few lines, or first couple of paragraphs, with a fine-tooth comb, a magnifying glass and even a high-powered microscope, if required! No typos, no spelling mistakes, no punctuation or grammar goofs, no tense or POV jumps. Nil. Nada. Nyet. This is a perfect example of zero tolerance, since any deviation would have the potential to drive away a reader before the story line can grip. The Setting: The aura of sadness permeates the tale, in that you succeed admirably. The physical setting was a valiant effort that did not quite reach the same level.Take the lines: "then left me on the black couch one night with a blanket drawn over my entire body and a rose at my feet"Again, the emotion there was raw and vivid, the drawn up blanket heightens the isolation, the black couch is stark, the red rose is the theatrical touch that underlines the emptiness of his promises and apology. But except for the colour of the couch, there's not much else to show us the physical setting. If it is a deliberate choice to eschew the physical in favour of the emotional, why, kudos on that. But, if not, a re-look might help. It need not be added in this bit, it could be done elsewhere too, the choice is yours. (Oh, yes, keep a sharp eye out for commas, these tadpole like hooks wriggle into the wrong places with sublime ease! There are classes on site that help, if you are interested. Horizon Academy has a couple.) The Characters: Khalil and Deanna, I think you build up the characters well, for you do it without obvious attempt. It is the actions that speak words, not the descriptions. I saw Khalil as manipulative, selfish, shallow ... I loathe him with a vengeance. Deanna is impulsive, naive, ardent, and will find strength to get over this insidious sorrow. I found myself rooting for her.I like the subtle character hints you give, how in one para Deanna's urge to hide herself, to lick her wounds is suggested by her welcoming colder weather and the opportunity to hide within protective layers. " I embraced the onset of fall and felt a strange desire to layer even more. I grabbed my coats with glee and wound scarves around my face."  The Descriptions: I think there were bits that were well crafted, with simple imagery, and yet with the extra zing packed within it, the kind that raises the merely 'good' to being great!I would like to quote one of those passages, it made me see the situation so clearly, contrasted with the lazy springtime morning you had just described. "But I was bending over the toilet emptying myself of retail, short lived happiness, leaving my stomach and heart empty afterwards with vomit in my hair." A couple of places in there, where I would have moved, or added, a comma. But the word wizardry was laudable! The Story as a Whole: It has a problem, it has an internal Conflict, there is hope of a Resolution. Since the first step to recovery is to seek a new place or experience, I would say healing is on the horizon. I think recognition of the problem, the acceptance, is almost complete, it only requires a renewal of self-worth to succeed. Somehow, despite the overwhelming despair that you try to suggest, I saw hope in this. I am no psychologist, but I might venture that you, yourself, have a bright optimistic personality! What I liked: Despite the errors, those are overcome by a matter of effort and learning, the promise within this write is just shining! The more I read, the more I appreciated it. I could not have penned anything half as subtle in presentation, and I would like to give you a  Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: "The sun penetrates my thighs, soaking deep within and relieving me of the horrid winter in New York. I took a plunge, with money I had saved for my a new car and took a vacation." These are the first two lines and already I am distracted. I first wonder why the sun penetrates only the thighs. Then the tense jump, from the present of a penetrating sun to the plunge taken, money saved. If it was: "I had taken a plunge", a relation in the present, of past action, it would sound okay. The repeat of the verb 'took' jars, try for a synonym, with handy online thesauruses available to all, this should not be a difficult feat. "It is so cliché in this life, when depression is romanticized, but I still acknowledge the unique sadness that I mask behind open mouth laughs and desk slamming jokes." The words are fine, but the terms sit a little awkwardly in the sentence. 'It is so cliched,' is the better way to put it, or 'It is a cliche'. ('In this life' makes the sentence philosophical, rather 'heavy' for thoughts, if that is the direction you want to take, so be it.) The descriptions of the laughs and jokes was unusual and good, but the use of hyphenation would make the meaning clear. Thus: open-mouthed laughs and desk-slamming jokes. "When I met him, I was astonished; surprised that he chose out of the throng of caramels and full chests" Perhaps the reference is to buxom blonde beauties? It should be 'surprised he chose me', without that word, the sense is diluted. I applaud the alternative choices of adjective, but I swear I thought of toffees in a large pirate-treasure type of chest! The faulty perception is mine, I agree, but was there any way to make your words more lucid? Perhaps 'the thronging goo-ey caramel-eyed beauties and the full-chested bevy throwing themselves at him'? Any words that occur to you to make it clearer to those with a habit of jumping to conclusions! "The guys made howling calls and grinned with each other." Here too, the words are just a bit awry. It can be better expressed as: "The guys howled and grinned at each other." "But they didnt even glance at the lone figure " Spell-cehck, either on WDC or on most word programs, will catch these typos/errors. There is an apostrophe missing, it should be didn't. "The misery continued to creep and take over and I feared it would take me." Word repeats, especially in close proximity, are jarring. Do you want to replace take at either of those points?Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.  May your words go on to shine!  Effort brings colour to Life ** Image ID #2036082 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/17/2015 @ 9:40am EDT