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 Review #4104057 |
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| (4.0)| Hello skeason  , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid Item" This is part of your review package from Showering Acts of Joy. This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.  The Title: Now, you're talking! This kind of title is what I like to see, the kind of headgear that stops my wandering eyeball in its tracks with a shuddering jerk; my iris, aqueous humour and cornea were all squashed by the impact! Short, succinct, profound, with a whole slew of possibilities within. The intro just tells me that it was for one of my favourite site contests, the one I where I search for my Muse whenever he goes walkabout! The anticipation builds! Well done!I am not too sure that a little more information in the intro would have worked better, although I normally carp at this device being underused. Here, the gamble not to reveal the exact nature of what lay within teased and titillated. One can't be higher than the zenith! The First Impression: It is not too long a write and one can see it is composed of couplets. I love that format, mainly because, in my native tongue, we have many forms of poetry that depend on this format. But they take it to another level, by making it question and answer, either in the same couplet or in a paired one. The Rhyming: Simple end rhyme for the most part, with just a couple of places that have more assonance than rhyme. There's nothing wrong with simple, vanilla is quite the popular choice. But there are devices that raise poetry to another level, like the use of internal rhyme, within the line. It need not occur in every line, that would be overdoing it, but say, in every fourth line?And arrangement in verses increases the appeal of any poem, you could leave it as couplets or group them as quatrains, with aabb rhyming pattern. That would then have the last two lines as a couplet. This would be even more effective because those lines are the coup-de-grace for this litany of woes! The Rhythm: I am no expert, I do not even believe I aspire to being termed a poet, despite having written rhyming lines often. I love reading it though, especially aloud. The best poems to read aloud are those with stresses in metered patterns, accomplished only by the masters of this art. However, syllable count, when in some discernible pattern, can still work for reading aloud. Either 8-8-8-8, or any other even pattern, or 7-6-7-6, you get my drift, right? You nearly have it in places: "I wanted them to back off; they needed me too much, They couldn't make a change without me, co-dependent and such" If you were to delete the suggested words, read it aloud - why, there's a clip-clop clip-clop pattern! 7-6; 7-6. the two lines are 13 syllables each, and the internal pattern works to create a pleasant auditory experience. It is your choice, to have it in there or not. But it enhances the read and is not too difficult to achieve, would you like to try? The Descriptions: Does poetry have description? Yes, of course, imagery is all the more vital in poetry. That is what makes free verse a poem, not prose. It takes just some well chosen adjective, or a deft metaphor, maybe an inspired simile, to make us draw in a breath of awed delight. An image that will forever remain in our minds. You have: "Poor poor me, always getting passed back and forth…to and fro, Everyone acting lazy so I would show them things they already know." It is the same old, "Don't tell, show!", adage; it holds true here too. Being passed back and forth like a ...? Or lazy as ...? Hmmm ... how about: "Poor me, like a library book, passed to and fro, They're Laid-back, lolling, as I repeat one more demo"? That's 12 and 13 syllables, but with some more effort it could 'ring true'. You must find your own comfort zone, but if you ever wish to raise the poetry to wow judges, try to work these in. Yes, there might have been only an hour or two to deadline when you started the write, next time just jump in earlier and take advantage of that time to polish things to the gleam of gold! The Poem as a Whole: Did it fit the prompt? Well, the judges would already have told you that. I felt, with lines to spare, all of the prompt, including the blue light, the being changed to inanimate object, could have been better shown. Here, I thought you were an inanimate object almost from the beginning. But, I confess, that's because I read the prompt first and was looking for it. Then, Karma is supposed to turn the wheel, so that one can reap the benefits of good deeds and be punished for the bad (very simplistic), there needed to be a reason for the same person still suffering the same way! Other than that, it kept to the prompt and led us through the thoughts of one oppressed person, I am guessing woman, but I could be wrong. She has a feeling of being 'used', and manipulated to that she is always serving the others in her family. She thinks she has it bad, before she finds out how much worse it can be! There are places where I wondered about word choice, like 'depleted' rather than tired, since that doesn't sit well when used alone. If it was 'depleted in spirit', or 'of energy', that would be better. But, on the whole, it does make a greater impact than tired. So, it works. What I liked: Basically, I love the contest you entered, the prompts are so inventive! So varied too, in genre and task! It does get the brain cells buzzing, each entrant takes the prompt a different direction. I liked your choice of inanimate object, it melded well with the true life position of the narrator and the choice of the life-cycle continuance to emphasize the futility of the struggle was unusual. Also thanks for posting the prompt at the bottom, it helps to understand the whys and wherefores of the item. You could use a drop note to make it discreet, if you wish. Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: "What the hell happened to common sense and why did everyone need smacked" This is anyway one syllable more than the previous line, so rhythm is out of the window already, so why not '...need to be smacked'? Just 'need' would require the form, 'smacking', which ruins the rhyme. "They needed me, they didn't...their sincerity was constantly in doubt" One phrase punctuated with a comma, one with an ellipsis. I thought the latter emphasized the natural pause better, but whichever you choose, keep it consistent. And read all your poems aloud, the natural cadence makes for a near-perfect rhythm. Even if syllable count is awry, it is pleasant on the ear. I felt losing the word 'constant' would allow that, even if reading only this line. It makes better sense too, to me at least. You are the final arbiter, however.Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.  May your words go on to shine!  Effort brings colour to Life ** Image ID #2036082 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/02/2015 @ 5:47pm EDT