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 Review #4104067 |
| (4.0)| Hello , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid Item" This is part of your review package from Showering Acts of Joy. I loved the time spent in your port and wish you all the best, you are an amazing writer! This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.  The Title: Oooh! I am so not grumbling about titles, it is the folder heading that attracted me - for I find the matter within the folder to be delectable, as much fun as the site contest that requests a similar exercise. This read will be character building!  I do so love sentences with a hidden meaning or two levels of comprehension, I just could not resist getting that in! I would love to meet Turlach, I can't wait! The Beginning: I think to keep the present in the present and the past in the past is effective. What? No, I am not rambling, merely commenting that the use of the tenses was striking, ih the here and now Turlach is old, it's unfolding in present tense, like a play. Then, the flashback, made real by the use of past tense, in first person narrative.  The Setting: The Characters: How did you come to choose that name, Turlach? It fitted a troll, with the similarity of sound, troll-Turlach, working to create the association. If there was a simile of comparison in there that I felt was not quite the best, they were nonetheless vivid. It would take just a little work to make them striking, would you care to expend the time?Take: "A dumpy blue troll with eyes just a little too big like me could easily be found in any tavern sitting beside the most distracting ethereal fairy." Dumpy blue troll ... works well, but the 'eyes just a little too big' wasn't as good, and 'distracting ethereal fairy' sounded awkward. Making it 'distractingly ethereal' may stay true to grammar's needs, but adverbs are not the best choice for description. 'Most attention-distracting' is back to awkward. It's already a long sentence, so simile or metaphor would confuse things further. It's a Gordian knot that needs Alexander's sword - maybe: A dumpy blue troll like me, with lemur-like eyes, could easily wangle a seat in any tavern, right next the year's fairy debutante donna. I am sure that still doesn't sound anywhere near as good as you know you can make it, if you want to. Do you want to? BTW - the next line contained a simile that I liked the 'feet as big as cauldrons', even if feet aren't normally compared to pot and pans, the word sat will with the theme and time. The Descriptions: I'm am not dissatisfied with either the quantity or quality of the descriptions to be found. There was enough to make the read three-dimensional and it was of a level that made one sit up and read on. Yet, it could have risen above the average worth to the exemplary quality of the kind of writing that remains in one's mind for a long time.I refer to master's of description, to judge this: P.G. Wodehouse and Gerald Durrell. The one used simple words but used them in an unusual way to create attention. Bertie Wooster, when describing his adept valet's silent, almost instant entry, used terms like: "Jeeves shimmered into the room." How vivid is that? As for Gerald Durrell, ah, as a naturalist, his forte was to make the jungle animals visit our homes, hissing and roaring! He used metaphor and simile to maximum effect: "Among the myrtles the mantids moved, lightly, carefully, swaying slightly, the quintessence of evil. They were lank and green, with chinless faces and monstrous globular eyes, frosty gold, with an expression of intense, predatory madness in them." I aim for those heights, and if I settle quite a bit below, I am still father above the point I might have otherwise reached. The Story as a Whole: Turlach tells a Tale. (I liked the alliteration in that). But, is not riveting. Story tellers need to be.Frankly the preamble to the tale, the one the troll is going to tell, is half this piece. Okay it builds up his character, but it cannot be used in the main write without making it stronger and 'punching' it up! Incidentally, there are just three entries here, it was a 30-day challenge, was it not? Why did you drop out? To think we would now have a compelling first draft of your novel to peruse, if only you had? I do hope you will invite me back when you are done! What I liked: The thoughts are profound and can be applied to our world and age. I especially liked the ending, the way he says some memories are for him alone, a precious retreat. And the ending line is superb! Well done!There was enough hidden within the lengthy discourse to make me want to read the whole tale. Only don't let Turlach do the telling, you show us! Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: "Of course, 108 years ago(,) young men didn't have to worry about the dangers you do now" Disclaimer: I am a clumsy, hasty, fumbling fool where commas are concerned. I just sorta look for natural pauses, shoving them in at random. But, since I too have been often corrected, by patient painstaking reviewers, I venture to suggest: At least one comma needed in there. Maybe? See the paired brackets for my idea of placement! I might also replace 'you do now' with 'nowadays', somehow the other way sounded a tad awkward. "You want our stories, you want to know what we did(,) and why(,) because now you need it to work again." Here too, a comma required. Do look over the entire write and check, especially the long, multi-phrased sentences. "I suppose I got a little off track, as I tend to do. I am not sure where I was but I guess it doesn't really matter." He's old, right? His childhood was 108 years ago. So he's allowed to ramble. But as an author, you have to keep it interesting. You can't say his character is an old bore, so I can show 'boring'! Make it humourous, add interaction with the audience, anything to keep the reader's interest. Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.  May your words go on to shine!  Effort brings colour to Life ** Image ID #2036082 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/02/2015 @ 5:41pm EDT