%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4149719 |
 | Ghost  [E] Feedback welcome!  |
| (4.0)| Hi Celeste B.   Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! It's been pleasure to review your "Ghost" on behalf of Simply Positive Group. Please be reminded that my review is based on one person's opinion and you have all rights to choose if you like it or not. So please feel free to use if you find something interesting or just ignore if you don't like something. In general?I'm totally in love with the idea to where this story can go if you decide to expand it into longer short story or some young/adult novella or something. It's tricky thing to write 300. words story and tell to the reader what was really on your mind. People within this community rather read short stories to review and for sure you'll get some more reviews on this. To me it's really interesting just the idea. However, the content is great but you are aware that this needs a lot of editing and probably expanding, otherwise this don't tell the real story if you leave it like that. Plot?I like retrospective way of telling the story. I think that's a catch for the reader. You clearly say what your story is about there, you get the attention and then you start from the beginning. That's very smart if you have super idea. With this short story, if you do some editing, you can enter few short story contests that people in Writing.Com are running from time to time. You didn't say a lot here but you still managed to say important stuff that reader needs to know. And plus, you kept us in uncertainty of how it happened and what will happen now. Have you tried to enter some contests here yet? I'll name few that you may consider for the newbies: "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" "The Writer's Cramp" "Invalid Item" Characters? Clara Elise Baker. I just love her appearance in the story. Red long hair with blue eyes, she must be beautiful and interesting, maybe different than the other girls. Whenever I read about red hair girls I think of famous 'Carrie'. I even love her full name. I think names are very important part of the story because they have to be unique and somehow picture the character the way it is. Todd. He reminds me of some nerd, in a cute way. Like, he wasn't really popular at school and he was just ordinary pupil. He is a narrator of your story and you will probably make him interesting in the same way you did with Clara. Mood?I felt little bit scared at the end of the story. Not scared in the bad way, like when I'm reading horror stories but I got scared of that uncertainty and mystery and the twist. I'll tell you that you really need to think of expanding this. Things to improve?In some part of this story I have found something distracting, like you lost dynamic. I know what you wanted to say but if you can rephrase those sentences somehow. Here's your text: Clara Baker. She had gone to school with me. She was an outcast. Not many friends.I had been her boyfriend. Had. Before she went missing. Just gone. The police sent out a search party, and never found her. They had just found one of her shoes in the woods. That was what chilled me. That she was just gone. Like she vanished. I went to the woods. To show myself that nothing was happening. And if it was, how could I ignore her.This is something that I would write but still it doesn't mean you should write it the way I said if you don't like it. Feel free to ignore it or to use it: Clara Baker went to school with me. She didn't have too many friends though she had me. Yes, had, we dated before she went missing. When the police sent out a search party all they found was one of her shoes she lost in the woods. That really chilled me, knowing that she is gone, like vanished. I had to convince myself that nothing really happened to her so, I went to the woods. Even if I was wrong I couldn't just ignore the fact that she is gone.Overall impression?I think your story is really great and catchy and it would be even better if you expand it. I'm sure you can work on it and get more readers and reviewers. Thank you for sharing your work with us and welcome to Writing.Com. All smiles..  ~Minja~ "SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP"  Be courageous and try to write in a way that scares you a little   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/29/2015 @ 9:44am EDT