Hi garywalters,



General impressions:

You have a good opening chapter to your story. You open with an action scene and you cram a lot of detail into your chapter. Unfortunately, there is so much detail that I found my mind wandering.

I imagine you have been brow-beaten with the saying "show and don't tell". There is such a thing as too much showing - you show everything that happens in your entire chapter, right down to the tiniest of detail.

As an example, you have a seventy-eight word sentence (far too long for a sentence in my opinion) where you show us that John is holding on to Sarah with one hand and the safety railing with the other. I got very confused half-way through the sentence about what was happening and who was doing what. You could either simply tell us this is a dozen words without it impacting on your scene, or you could break this up into more easy-to-follow sentences.

We do get a good feel for John and what he is like (the fact he risks to life to hold on to Sarah says a lot about his character). You don't reveal much (if any) of your overall plot in this first chapter and I actually like that - should keep readers coming back for more.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: There are a few nuts and bolts issues with your chapter. You have bloat words, you have a couple of very long run-on sentences, and there is a fair amount of repetition.

I haven't included a complete line-by-line edit of your chapter in this review, but I'm happy to send you one via PM if you would like me to. However, I've included a couple of examples in the dropnote below to show you some of what I'm referring to.

Line by line suggestions: These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions ▼

cry of one-on-one combat from above, on the other side, the correct side, of the railing.
cry of one-on-one combat from above.
or you could use
cry of one-on-one combat from the top of the dam.
"on the other side, the correct side, of the railing" is bloat - it doesn't add anything to your sentence. Since John and Sarah are dangling precariously from a safety barrier, we can pretty much assume that the fight is taking place on the other side of the barrier.

John knew only too well that the height of the water reservoir dam, from the very top of the dam, that only a few moments ago they had been safely standing on, behind the correct side of the iron railing, to the water below, was three hundred and ten feet.
John knew the height of the dam, from the very top, that only a few moments ago they had been safely standing on, to the water below, was three hundred and ten feet.
"only too well that" is bloat wording - it doesn't add anything to the story and without it the meaning of the sentence remains the same.

"water resevoir" is also not really needed - the use of the word dam is sufficient on its own to let us know what you are referring to.

"of the dam" is repetition - we know that you are referring to the height of the dam because you've told us.

"behind the correct side of the iron railing" isn't really needed - we know they must have been behind a safety railing because you told us that they were safe.

Closing remarks:

Your first chapter really does show a lot of promise. You can craft a story and you can put a plot together. Best of luck with your publishing dreams.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!



Andy~hating university


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