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 Review #4154838 |
 | A Teacup and a Locket.  [E] A short story of emotional thoughts long abandoned.  |
| (3.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  First Impressions: A very intriguing scenario, the father she never met suddenly coming into her life, in a way, and offering an explanation for his absence. I could imagine that this would cause a bit of an emotional turmoil but the main character took it quite well. It was easy to picture her sipping tea while she listened to the story, not allowing herself to feel much at the sudden revelation. She didn’t come across as heartless, only like a woman who had grown up without a father and his sudden message, while not unwelcome, didn’t do much to make her happy. There were a couple of hints at an emotional reaction – a few tears early on and a brief mention three paragraphs from the end. To me, it signified that she didn’t really care. The visitor was a little more animated. He spoke quite vividly of the old days when he and his brother met the main character’s mother, and just as I was wondering if it was really appropriate for him to talk about her in that way, the main character did the same thing when she realised that It felt strange talking about her mother with a stranger. But his intentions were good and he did carry out his late brother’s wishes, and his descriptions added a bit of colour to the tale and made it quite easy to imagine the history of the main character’s parents. The ending seemed to be a bit of an anti-climax. When the visitor declared that the letter ”may help you understand who you are, and what your future holds” I thought it would be more than just a long overdue apology for being absent and the statement that he was always with her. For a moment, I thought that there was perhaps a supernatural element I hadn’t seen coming, but he simply meant that her mother had kept in touch and told him about his daughter. That’s not the same as being there so his statements, ” I was there” and ” I shared every milestone with you” seemed quite exaggerated.  Suggestions: The writing was good and I liked how you set the scene with the brief description of the setting and a bit of an explanation as to the background. After the first paragraph, it was easy to picture the main character, and the dialogue with the stranger let the readers know a bit more about her personality and her backstory. It sounded quite natural. There were a few phrases that seemed a little awkward to me and I will point them out below, as well as a few grammatical errors. “Hello, yes can I help you?” a stockily built man This sounded like the stockily built man (I would probably just say, “stocky”) spoke this sentence. There should be a paragraph break that separates his actions from her words. As he then says the next sentence, you could simply move this dialogue tag to the beginning of the next paragraph right before his dialogue. Remembering her manners, “Please come on in I appreciate that you were trying to vary the dialogue tags rather than going with the usual, “he said” and “she said” but you need a bit more there to complete the sentence. Either, you could add “she said” before the speech, or if you reword the sentence, “She remembered her manners.” (Use a full stop at the end as this would be a separate sentence.) would you like a cup of tea, the water has not long boiled? I would end the previous sentence after “in” and begin a new one with “Would” (capital letter) as you were expressing two unrelated thoughts there. The question mark seems to be in the wrong place; the question is if he would like a cup of tea, the rest of the sentence is a statement of fact, so put it after “tea” and being a new sentence with “The.” The same error happens a little later on where Stanley asks if he may smoke. many years ago, the man in the locket I would replace the comma with a semi-colon as the two parts of the sentence are closely related independent clauses. Oh please accept my apology, my name is Stanley. I’m not sure if there was any significance to him introducing himself so late. It would probably work better if he opened with his name. a crisp white handkerchief, “I am sorry; The part of the sentence before the comma isn’t a dialogue tag so you need a full stop at the end rather than a comma. Also, as the same person acts and speaks, this should be in the same paragraph. I spotted that error again a little further on. hold any mans attention You need an apostrophe in “man’s” to indicate possessive. colourful, if in the least. I think that was probably meant to say, “to say the least.” they made a tryst not to see one another again I’m not sure you meant “tryst” there. I think something like “promise” would probably work. Taking a sharp intake of breath There’s some duplication with “taking” and “intake.” I would probably say, “With a sharp intake of breath, she...” You where produced Just a typo I think, “You were.” Helen started to cry A formatting error, you forgot to end the italics after the letter.  Final Thoughts: Don’t be discouraged by my suggestions; if you spend a little time to edit the story I think you’ll have a real gem here. I found the plot quite intriguing, especially the main character’s reactions (as I mentioned) and the stranger’s attitude towards his brother’s behaviour. The way he describe his brother and said, ” all his intentions where noble, it was only his commitment to his wife and family which overshadowed his happiness” struck me as a little strange as the brother’s attitude wasn’t exactly honourable, but it was an interesting development for the character. I don’t think the stranger explained where exactly he found the locket. It would seem strange that it would have been left behind after the main character’s mother passed away. Also, I was curious what exactly was in the lockup and who was in the photographs he sent to her, since that was the only time her emotions came across a little. If you are planning to expand this story, I think that might be worth a mention at the end to explain. You have a good start here, the story might just need a bit of attention to polish it a bit.   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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