%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4180789 |
| Hi amyjo-Keeping it real and fun!   Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  This review is part of "Secret Santa Reviewing Service-CLOSED" , purchased by your Secret Santa It's been pleasure to review your "Invalid Entry" on behalf of the Simply Positive Group. Please be reminded that my review is based on one person's opinion and you have all rights to choose if you like it or not. So please feel free to use if you find something interesting or just ignore if you don't like something. Plot?I like how you managed to complete this assignment within 500 words. You went to the point straight, without wandering around little bit. When I say wandering around I meant you didn't venture deeper into description of how Bradley finished at the party at first. What kind of party that is? Was he there just with his friends or his working colleagues? How he finished at the party? I understand that you focused more on that twist that you had to write in assignment but these are all some kind of holes in plot itself and since in the instructions is written that minimum word count is 500 I assume that you could write more. I don't know though what is the word count limit. So, if I look at this sharply from the assignment point of view I really enjoyed that twist you managed here at the end but I know that you can do it better with this story to make it whole. Description?This party is probably like any other party- crowded and fun but I didn't feel it like that because there was no too much description except that it was crowded. I was expecting to read about that atmosphere between people, what kind of music was played, you could include little bit more dialogue between Bradley and maybe bartender when he is ordering his drinks, or even some kind of conversation between him and his friends about the party they are in. I had a feeling that you rushed to that plot twist because that was the main part and also the most exciting one. On the other side, your description of Fred- a girly man was pretty good and convincing. Even in the only dialogue within this story I could imagine how he look like just from that one sentence: "Name's Fred. How ya doing, hot stuff?" It seriously cracked me up because I imagined him standing there all transgenderingly handsome. I wish there was more dialogue like this in your story. Characters?As much as you described Fred pretty good that much you didn't describe your main character Bradley. Maybe I don't care how he looks like here, I was just expecting to know something about him. I only know that he is drunk and that he is at the party. What I noticed while I was reading is also fact that you did that plot twist with your character. However, in assignment it says despite some hidden clues. I didn't read any hidden clues here that would maybe makes me wonder what is this all about. Your hidden clues here would probably be about Fred. For example, you said that Bradley was too drunk and all that he was thinking about was how to approach to Fred because he didn't know he is a man, actually. That's where the hidden clues should be put. Even in just one sentence you can point that to reader. You could say: "I was eyeing her figure as I was getting closer to her. I could see that she was one of those women who rather work out daily on her body than starving herself to get that perfect body." This is some kind of hidden clue or message that it will be right there in front of me but I wouldn't realize that gorgeous woman is actually a man until the end. If this kind of sentence was put in here I would be like oh, right, she mentioned it, it was right there but I didn't suspect anything. Dialogue?I mentioned above that you could use more dialogue between Bradley and his friends, or maybe with people who he asked about mysterious woman. Also what you could do here is to tell to reader what happened when he realized that Fred is a woman. Was he speechless or he murmured something? The ending is unclear to me. Maybe he went with Fred because he was drunk and he didn't really care about it. You left reader hanging again. On the contrary, that one sentence that Fred said was perfect. I even imagined him how he is having a bubblegum and his face expression while he is saying it. It was so funny that I can almost forgive the holes in your story. I gave you all these examples because I know that you can do it and because I have seen here that you did some parts very well with just one or eventually two sentences. I hope you'll understand my review and my opinion on your story. Again, you can choose whatever you like from here and drop out things that you think are pointless. It's your story at the end. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your assignments. All smiles..  ~Minja~ Note* This review is from "Secret Santa Reviewing Service-CLOSED" , purchased by your Secret Santa. I would appreciate if you can post in "Secret Santa 2024 - Closed" forum that you received this review so your Secret Santa can know that I fulfilled his order. Thank you.Founder of "WdC Kind Hearts" Resident judge/host in "Parallel Universe Contest"  Be courageous and try to write in a way that scares you a little   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 12/13/2015 @ 11:13am EST