Hello, fendi !

I found this posted on the review request in & out and hoping I can provide some helpful feedback to you!

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can.

The first think I noticed when reading this is that it seems like you didn't do any edits on it yourself. There are no apostrophes in contractions and the punctuation is sparse - more by oversight it seems than for a purpose. This makes it look sloppy and is distracting to me as a reader.

You do a lot of telling in this poem instead of showing. There is always a balance between the two, but often telling is harder for a reader to connect to. What does the pain feel like? What does fading away feel like? The more you can show a reader, relate it to an experience, a feeling, the more the reader can relate to the poem.

A lot of the ideas you use here are very common when it comes to being locked inside yourself - where depression, other mental illness, or just having a really bad day. Because of that, I felt like I could be reading almost any other poem. What about this is unique to YOU? I'm reading this because I want to connect with it, but also because I want to see a unique perspective, connect with YOU specifically. I didn't get enough to really see into something new.

I did like the idea of having a lot of keys and doors - kind of an Alice in Wonderland feel to it. If I were to suggest a place to start a rewrite, I would make that the focal point. Being trapped but having the way out but it's such a hard task that it seems like it may never happen. Then take it a step further - maybe as you keep trying or keep walking more doors appear, and more keys on whatever you're carrying until they weight you down like the chains you mentioned before. Then make it creepier - give us the sounds of demons that scare you but at the end you realize you're making those sounds. Make the air cold, your breath freezing...etc. You have ideas here that work - but finding a new way to put them together that uses all the senses instead of just telling us is what I think will really strengthen this poem.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .