Hello, Jefferson M. Suede }!

I found this piece on the review request forum and hope to give a review that you find helpful. I will pay specific attention to writing style and plotline as requested, but also point out other things I notice as I go. For ease of reading, I'd consider not double spacing but just doing spacing between paragraphs. I find that easier to read.

Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can.

In the first paragraph, I'm not sure you need the thought "spoken" like that in his head. I'd just keep it as narrative.

We're obviously in a different world where there is magic and new creatures. I also like that you introduced some of the conflict early on with the past war.

The first thing I noticed with the writing style here is that you have a lot of short sentences. There's a lot of opportunity to combine them and reduce the amount of words you need to say the same thing. Varying sentence length often helps a reader, and a lot of short sentences make it feel almost simplistic or that it's geared toward a younger audience.

If she's truly a goddess, I'd capitalize Goddess and maybe even Lady why he refers to her. Also, it seems unlikely that she'd be surprised that he came. I'd imagine she'd expect it.

He doesn't seem to respect her that much - or finds her amusing like a child. "She was always very ritualistic." This doesn't seem weird to me. I'm not sure I believe his reaction or this interaction between the two characters so far. I'd delete everything from "The Captain chucked...everywhere she went."

Ah, so they are somewhat equals. That makes more sense. His voice doesn't sound like that of an immortal unless he is a young one, so I'd still be careful. If beauty no longer fazes him, why does the calm night or his memories of bloodshed? He seems entirely mortal in his reactions yet has some of the loss of wonder of immortality - but it seems weird which things he kept and lost.

Again, I don't really believe the dialogue and the goddess requesting him to do things especially when it's a "task given to him".

Once Tehrlak is introduced, I lose a bit here too. I'd like to have seen more on the backstory here, a lot more, and also some personal observations by the Captain so that we can start to understand him more.

Chuckled at the thought of killing Tahrlak? It seems he feared him before? I don't get his character and a lot of his thoughts don't match his dialogue which don't match his stature in relation to other gods (or isn't explained well enough)...it's just hard to believe. Even hints about it without full explanations - like is he really above them in a way to call them to a meeting? If not, he should be suggested it instead. As of right now, I'm struggling with this a lot.

I would like to have seen more about how the world reacted to too much magic. I like that idea. Do they react to it too? Are they uncomfortable near each other or when there's so much around? Or do they drunk off all the magic?

I really don't know if I believe the behavior of the gods, especially when Reyes and Sefhrea were introduced. Sefhrea seems like a child - not someone about war and temper. Temper is violence, not sticking her tongue out. And Reyes and perfection? That seems odd too...I'd think a god would either think of themselves as perfect or be wise enough to understand it doesn't exist. Again, the motivations and characterizations seem odd. Even with wildly stereotypical characteristics, there would be likely decorum or something...I just don't believe that they are immortal beings.

I think that was my main problem is I didn't believe the characters nor their dialogue, couldn't get a sense of what their relationships were like, and therefore the plot seemed to just kinda be there without any support. The quick introduction of certain things (e.g. Luficer) was probably meant to be interesting, but for me it was just more reason to find it hard to believe what was going on.

I really like the concept of the Time Before and new gods. I'm not sure I fully buy into the fact that they decided organizing similarly to the Greek gods (e.g. God of [stuff]) really would have evolved. If they are just god of stuff and not territory, why care about the humans? It's clearly for more than amusement or lust, which seemed to be most of historical constructs of gods motivations.

I think you have good idea here, but I think you need to take a second look at characters and how you introduce plot points. It moved a bit fast, which isn't bad, and having pieces that we don't understand right now isn't a bad thing, but too much of this I just couldn't get on board with as is.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to revise and would be happy to explain anything that may not have made sense. If you revise and want me to take another look, please let me know.

Best,
Kate

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .