Hello Andy!

I came through this piece with clicking on the 'random review' generator. I got sent to this and I do have a few suggestions/corrections that I think may help strengthen this even more.

Below is my review of your item beginning with Corrections:

Corrections/Suggestions
Over the years they had scavenged a few bed sheets, curtains, and stuff from the local dump. They had used it to cover the windows to prevent anyone from being able to see into the house.-
Just a little tinker and play separating this into two sentences instead of one.

I would suggest maybe going through and taking out unnecessary words like 'that/which, etc' and also to get us quicker in the action. This has us in a story telling us about these kids, and I know you are setting us up for what is coming. With that said, I'd love to see, feel, taste what being in that clubhouse is like. Of course, this is just a suggestion. Like for example:

"...Hallowe’en had fallen on a Saturday this year and, "

This is when I feel like we get to the 'showing' part and get into the story with the characters. So, I'd suggest adding more showing sooner in the story so we can be there with them.

Things Which I Enjoyed
I really enjoyed how you set us up for the last part of this story. You build up that our one character doesn't expect anything and he goes about his business trying to bring Blood Mary to life and stops before the third one is said. I found that funny and then how the couple's blood had been used to write the message that 'you're lucky your are still pure, Jake."

Overall Comments
Overall, I found this to be a very engaging piece once we got rolling inside of it. I thought your descriptions were on point with the couple and I enjoyed the nonchalant nature of our main character as he meandered around the house. I feel like a good horror piece is always about pulling the wool off the eyes at the right time. The only suggestions I have is to just trim down 'that, which' whenever you don't need them and to get us in the action sooner, if that makes sense. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .