Dear As Luck Would Have It





Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I liked the obscurity of it - as a prologue it definitely teases the curiosity. However, you walk a thin line between loosing your reader and tickling their imagination.





Beginning


I like the imagery in the beginning - it draws in the reader.





Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Observations:

Your descriptions are alive with colour and shape but lack elements of scent and even sound. This is a scene in a club, a place in which sound and scent will run riot.

Examples:

"The floor was either solid gold or hardwood glistened in the sweat of a few dozen dancers." It is a great image but it lacks depth. There is a clear smell attached to the image and a sensation - your feet slipping a little (and at the same time a stickiness under your soles I generally prefer not to think about where it comes from).

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

You jump between I and We which makes it a lot harder to really feel the protagonist, to let him or her become a reality in your mind.


Emotional Draw:

This piece has such potential to draw in the reader emotionally and rationally but at the moment only does the second. This is due to the fact that the only sense you are appealing to is sight as well as breaking the connection between reader and character by using both we and I.



Characters


The impression we get of the protagonist is that it is a young, most likely male, being. A little cocky, a little world weary in a way only a very young person can be.






Structure/Format

I love the structure, how you throw the reader into it and leave them wanting more.



Language


Style:

Good style


Orthography:

N/A







Tension

The tension is surprisingly high as the reader wants to know what is happening, what is going to develop from this situation.

Conflict:

External:

N/A

Internal:

N/A




End

This is where you are letting down the reader a little, I feel. Surprisingly, the obscurity of the last sentence, rather than adding to the desire to read more, seems a little over the top and makes the reader wonder if they should go on. It was great until that sentence.






General Comments:


I very much liked the prologue and it definitely left me wanting more. There are issues with the general setting, too little depth due to it being purely visual. some confusion based on the "i" and "We" but it does make me want to read on, tickles my imagination - and that is exactly what a prologue is supposed to do.