Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Also, I have no expertise in poetry aside from an appreciative reader's liking for it. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

So, I do not review poems in general - not because I do not like them but because I cannot write them. I read a fair amount of poetry and stand in awe of anyone daring to write any. Nevertheless, the title of your poem drew me in and I decided to go for it.







BEGINNING:

What I like:

I love the way you draw in the reader by allowing them to make an emotional connection with the protagonist through this every day occurrence. It also is the beginning of a circle relating to childhood, a circle you close at the end.

Suggestions:

I like you use the scent of the waffles (something so often forgotten) but it stands a little isolated in the room. It does not really relate to the emotions created but could be such a central thing.

Favourite part:

The everyday occurrence of the beginning and how its normalcy lets the reader relate.




EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

I love the way you allow the reader to step into the protagonists shoes slowly, to let them develop a link

Suggestions:
n/a

Favourite part:

The love you let grow in the beginning and then use throughout.


DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

What I like:

I love how the descriptions of the everyday occurrence of making breakfast becomes a synonym for the love felt by mother and child.

Suggestions:

I thin you use scent and sensation too little - you could make this piece incredibly strong by letting more of that bleed into the writing

Favourite part:

The care you give to the details.


Internal:

What I like:

This is where your poem is particularly strong - the fact that the external descriptions of making breakfast stand for the love felt

Suggestions:
n/a

Favourite part:






STRUCTURE:

I like the flow and structure but am the first to admit that I am no judge of metre and rhyme


LANGUAGE:


Style:

The normalcy and simplicity is what gives it strength


Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here ▼





OVERALL COHERENCE:

There is a good coherence to the whole piece with a circle being drawn from the first verse to the last.





END:

I love the way you come back to the beginning - just as the daughter's life turned from being cared for to caring for her mother





GENERAL COMMENTS:

I love this piece though I believe it could be stronger by linking in more of the senses.




IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE POEM OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.