Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Also, I have no expertise in poetry aside from an appreciative reader's liking for it. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I rarely review poetry - not because I do not like it but because I cannot write it. I love to read poetry and stand in awe of anyone who writes it. This piece fascinated me as it played with childhood imagery and emotion in a very clever way. Until the end I did not know if the protagonist is the child itself or a mother looking on.






BEGINNING:


I love the fairytale imagery of the beginning which also is reflected in the light skipping tone and rhythm of the piece. I think you could make more of an emotional impact by extending the childhood feeling in it and then letting it bleed into the bittersweet memory.





EMOTIONAL DRAW:

The emotional draw of this piece lies in the childhood innocence and joy being represented in the piece which, through the adult eye, acquires a bittersweet element when looking back.


DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

This is where you are letting your poem down a little. There is no colour, no scent to let the childhood element fully develop.


Internal:

The strength of this piece lies in the slight melancholy most people feel when remembering treasured childhood moments with their fathers, you grasp that well and bring it out throughout the poem.






STRUCTURE:

The structure reminds me of old children's verses and fairytales and you tailored your language well to that.


LANGUAGE:


Style:

I love the slight anachronism expressed in the language. It fits very well to the subject matter of the piece.


Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here ▼





OVERALL COHERENCE:

The piece fits well together with the first and last verse linking well together leaving the reader to settle into the poem without a feeling of something being missing.





END:

The bittersweet emotion you let the reader experience here, the internal melancholia which comes up and swamps over us, is well done and relates well to both the structure and the content of the poem.





GENERAL COMMENTS:

I very much liked this poem though I think it could be stronger - in particular in an emotional way.




IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE POEM OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.