Dear Arakun the twisted raccoon





Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

So, I have come to the conclusion I like your shorts - though they make me smile more than be frightened. I love the surprise in them.





Beginning

What I like is the way you play with our preconceptions both in the way your characters speak and in their names. Brittany. We are seeing the image of a pretty, blonde cheerleader, not too bright and charmingly self-absorbed. The way she speaks, the language she uses fits perfectly to the image we have created in our minds.






Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Observations:

There is not much and for once I do not think there has to be more. The power of the story lies in the lack of descriptions, in the way the dialogue holds it all.


Examples:

The most prominent description is with her "toothy mouth" towards the end and it fits so well because it does make a point.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:


n/a

Emotional Draw:

This piece has its strength not in involving the emotions of the reader but his curiosity - and in the end his humour.



Dialogue/Monologue

The whole piece is a dialogue, and a wet crafted one. I can see and hear the two teenagers


Characters


They are so charmingly stereotypical - the cheerleader and her quarterback






Structure/Format

Great Structure


Language


Style:

I love the way you can let your character become consistent person through their speech.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼







Tension

The tension lies in the fact that we are desperately trying to figure out what the surprise will be - and how it makes us smile

Conflict:

External:

Vampires are also people

Internal:

n/a





End

I love the end - the way it jumps out on us and still is so innocuous.






General Comments:


I love the humour of this piece