%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4237384 |
 | Torvold's Story  [E] Short piece in Miners dissaster in VA  |
| (4.0)| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Gaby ~ Way behind!    PLOT - Torvold does his duty by working in a mine to make ends meet for his wife and two daughters. He hates it, feels the work is temporary, but the money is good so he returns day after day for the paycheck to provide for his family. An explosion beneath the Earth threatens to take it all away. SETTING - You had some good moments in description. When you started with going below the surface and the sun fading away I was right with you. You brought up the cold and dank of the mine. It was just missing how that made him feel. Did he shiver? Did it sink into his bones and make him ache? Think about adding little element like this to really drive that point across. CHARACTERS - Torvold is young, too young to be doing this kind of work. His body isn't made for the lifting that is required, yet he does so anyway. He dreams of something better for his future, and job that doesn't require him to be in a dark, wet place day after day. He sees this kind of work more as a punishment, but cannot figure out what he'd ever done to be punished this way. GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE - while the new shift joined in with jokes and and chatter as the transporter ground the tracks beneath them slowly pulling them into the veins of the earth. Love had delivered him to the cold wet smelly tunnels deep beneath a land that was dead and stripped of its life-giving meaning. --cold, wet, smelly tunnels hat had they all done working beneath the earth's surface in a wet, cold,and and foul place?. What had they all done working beneath the earth's surface in a wet, cold,and and foul place?. It's brevity was not noticed by the villagers because of its enormous impact on the the lives of everyone. THOUGHTS - There is a lot happening here. Some aspects you really delved into, while others you brushed past. If you go back through for an edit, really focus on the things happening after the explosion, and his feelings of being cut off from life on the outside of the mine. You have everything you need to make a strong connection between your main character and your reader. Just a little tweaking will make this story stand out. Write on! 
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