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 Review #4237467 |
| Greetings, Ouros! Welcome to this wondrous writing community. You are off to a great start in populating your port and finding your way around to the various resources available on this vast site. I saw your plea for help on the "Noticing Newbies"  forum and wanted to offer a few observations in the interest of friendly hospitality and constructive support. Of course, they are nothing more than one man's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.TITLE: Unless you are Robert Frost or some other renowned poet whose name alone is enough to attract a fawning audience, the title is one of the most important elements of any composition. As the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writer’s port or the Table of Contents in a book, it serves as the door which must be opened to enter the realm of the poet’s imagination. A name gives the poem a specific identity. It sets the tone and prepares the reader for what is to come. If that entrance does not spark some sort of interest, chances are he or she will move along to the next item, or maybe even the next author. The title of this poem has held a mystical attraction over the ages, but the abstract nature of that single world does not seem to hold as strong a grasp as it once did. The first snow dazzles people with its pure white duvet that sparkles with the clarity of a fine diamond. However, it loses its luster after it has been around a while--trampled, plowed and churned into dirty sludge. Language suffers the same fate. Original phrasing and figures of speech appeal to readers like the aroma of Grandma's fresh-baked pies cooling on her windowsill, but stale, overused clichés disengage an audience faster than Leatherface dismembered victims with his chainsaw. Poets often use the most familiar terms to capture ideas and get them down on paper before they flitter away like fireflies in the night, but those hackneyed phrases must be weeded out before the work is presented for public consumption, just as Grandma would cull overripe fruit before baking her pies. I think you could strengthen the lure of this portal by focusing on the action involved with something like "Chasing the Horizon." FORM & STRUCTURE: Poetry weaves an intricate web of aesthetic effects with threads of lyrical language, vibrant imagery and organizational form. As poets, we select a pattern for any particular composition based on the contributions the specific characteristics of that form will make toward enhancing the shades and nuances of meaning. The single body of text, even though it is only twelve lines long, seems to obscure some of the details, in my humble opinion. I believe you could sharpen the focus and control the pace by dividing the composition into several stanzas, as described in the following link: http://literarydevices.net/stanza/ IMAGERY: Imagery is the lifeblood of a poem. Like a craftsman carving, molding, planing, painting, and polishing wood, stone, or some other material, the poet uses words to shape and paint pictures that present some lyrical impulse or spiritual truth. Rather than TELLING the reader about those feelings, the poet SHOWS the impressions through distinct images that project emotional overtones and associations with other images and events. In this way, the poet stirs an emotional response from the reader. The phrase "day after day" captures the concept of relentless pursuit very effectively. The "beautiful rays" are rather abstract, leaving the reader to fill in the image. I think you could strengthen your audience's engagement with this scene by adding a few specifics, such as: "The horizon and its rays of purple, red and gold" POETIC TECHNIQUE: In one form or another, repetition is used in poetry for a variety of purposes. The familiarity created by this technique can create a common thread woven through the piece to strengthen the cohesiveness of the composition. It can also be used as a resonant echo for emphasis to produce greater impact. By skillfully playing the familiar against the unexpected, the poet composes a lyrical quality that is used to support the theme of the poem. Your repetition of the phrase "beautiful rays" generates a powerful echo, which etches that image in the reader's mind, but as mentioned previously, that image could be sharpened with more specifics. Repetition of the entire first line to close the poem creates an enveloping effect to bond the composition into a more cohesive unit. Poetry is also about the compression of language to its barest essence, and I believe there are several opportunities to tighten the language in this composition, as described in the following link: https://allpoetry.com/column/7541033-Compression-Saying-Much-with-Little--by-mic... . For example, the abstract pronoun "them" could be eliminated through more direct phrasing, such as: Day after day, I chase the horizon and its rays of purple, red and gold. OVERALL IMPRESSION: The aspirational tone of the language makes your narrator's determination quite clear, reminiscent of an old poem by Stephen Crane: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/50457 You have excavated a golden nugget from the depths of your imagination. Keep chiseling and polishing that stone to maximize the effects and transform it into the magnificent jewel it can be. If you are interested in learning more about the craft of composing poetry, or merely chat among like-minded wordsmiths, we would love to have you join our discussions in "The Poet's Place " group.Here's wishing you fair winds as you continue to navigate this universe known as Writing.Com. Let the creativity flow from your soul!  Dave "The Poet's Place " * All items are rated in accordance with the guidelines provided in "Comment-In-A-Box"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/14/2016 @ 2:56pm EDT