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 Review #4237861 |
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| (4.0)| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Gaby ~ Way behind!  PLOT - Cody has loved his neighbor, Chrissy, since she moved in next door in second grade. Going off to college created a distance between the couple. Between the years the phone calls became shorter until they hardly spoke at all. Cody heads home, anxious to see her again, to reconnect. When he doesn't find her at home he heads to the bar to wait. A few beers later he sees her talking with his friend Sean. As he makes his way to them, they start kissing and all of his hopes are dashed in an instant. SETTING - The backstory and descriptions of Chrissy had enough detail to picture her and them together as a couple. The bar scene was easy to follow and the emotions were vivid. Back at her house, the intimacy worked well too. You took things slowly and painted enough imagery to picture the scene. What was missing at this point was the emotional connection. When writing an intimate scene, think about what the character is feeling at those moments. You wrote: She flung herself forward again and this time she kissed his neck and bit his ear, than she rode his length, slamming him as deep as she could. Example: She flung herself forward again and this time she kissed his neck and bit his ear, the sharp pain mixing with pleasure and turning him on. She rode his length, slamming him as deep as she could. Buried inside of his lover again, fulfilling the ache that rippled through him the entire drive home sent him right to the edge of climax. -- all you need to really make these moments fly off the page is to incorporate what your characters are feeling/thinking in these moments. It's not enough to tell your reader they had sex. Pull the reader into the scene, make them a part of it. CHARACTERS - Cody could think of nothing else but Chrissy, until he found her in the arms of his friend. The anger drove him to rush out of the bar, but that didn't stop them from becoming intimate. Chrissy feels bad that she didn't wait for him, shows him her returned letters, but she's already moved on. GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE - In the far corner Cody caught a glimpse of Chrissy talking with his friend Sean. “Cody,” Chrissy's voice was unmistakable, and hard wood floors replaced the tan carpet that he remembered. Chrissy, I’m sorry. I never saw these, that’s my roommate’s hand writing.--handwriting “I promised to be here for you when you got back,” <--period He repeated it with her other breast and received the same results. Cody thrust his hips up several times. thanthen she rode his length, so he left without another word. Please, we want you over here too THOUGHTS - I did feel bad for Cody, right up until he made that phone call to Gina. I seriously thought he had no idea she moved on, but that call shows he did have some indication. I get why he didn't go over for the threesome, and was glad he didn't partake in that because that showed he cared enough about Chrissy that he wouldn't share her. Yet he made plans to drive a half a day to go be with another girl. Was that the hurt and anger of Chrissy's betrayal? Or were his feelings for her not as genuine? It's never a bad thing to have me questioning a story after reading it. This one will stay with me for awhile. Write on!   
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