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Review #4237864
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of In the Fire  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: GC | (4.0)
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"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

PLOT -
Mark is on a camping trip alone at the end of summer, recently divorced and looking for some downtime. The camping grounds are busy with others sitting outside like him, drinking and talking. He notices a blonde staring at him through the night, before she finally makes her move to join him, interested in only one thing, having sex. They drink beers a talk for a little bit, before she makes her move.

SETTING -
You did well with describing the campgrounds, and the flickering of the flames in the fire pit. The sex scene was described well, but was missing that connection between your characters and your reader.

CHARACTERS -
Mark, newly divorced and surprised by the blonde's interest in him. He readily accepts her invitation for a quickie. The blonde is bold, and after one thing only, a good romp in the tent.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
In The hot day’s sun sank below the tree line

THOUGHTS -
You do good with describing what your characters sees and does, but there are other senses you can incorporate here. I know the Weekly Quickie has a strict word count that you must meet, and that makes it a little bit more difficult. You do have room to add more of the 5 senses in here. What does he smell if anything? Did she have on perfume? If so, how did that make him feel? When she touched him did he feel anything? Did either character make any noise during their encounter? You touched upon sound with the snapping of the twig when she followed him into the woods, but left that out while they were intimate. These are important elements to add to your story, especially in erotica. The reader wants to go along for the same ride and you can easily pull them in with a little tweaking. If have everything you need to make this a hot story. The reader is engaged learning he's alone, recently divorced, and the girl is watching him. Think about where you could add things to heighten what's going on. I did love the ending. No name, just the way she wants, making this tale sexy. Write on!
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