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 Review #4238819 |
 | Preface  [13+] Was it only a dream? Or is it the start of a harrowing experience?  |
| (3.5)| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Gaby  PLOT - The King and his men are surrounded and he has a choice to make. SETTING - There is room for improvement here. When you are working on scene through one characters point of view, try closing your eyes to see what they see/hear/feel/smell and describe it. What does fear feel like? Is silence a scary thing? CHARACTERS - The Dark Prince, not much is known about him only that he requests the Kings surrender and then kills him. GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE - He stands in silence and looks around[comma] Llooking [maybe try searching since you've just used look] for even a hint of anything out of sort. His heart is racing not sure what, but something doesn't feel right. --order of words--His heart is racing, something doesn't feel right, but he's not sure what could be wrong.---or something to that affect. Joining Bart a short distance from the others.--fragment, add more or attach it to the previous sentence. Ready to turn back and skip this area, just head back home. --attach to previous sentence with a comma The brittle grass snaps under the heavy steps of his boots. Clothed in a long black cape.--Clothed in a long black cape, the brittle grass snaps under the heavy steps of his boots.--it has better flow this way. "My, oh my, fellows look what we have here," he replies as he wrings his hands.--since he is the first to speak, it's not a reply, try he says Aedan looks for a [two words] way out As a matter of fact, may be<--maybe, one word-- even a little more than you can even fathom. He grabsGrabbing the hilt of his sword and pierces the king's chest. THOUGHTS - The story moved quickly, with a lot of information involved in it. Think about adding a little backstory. Why is the King there? Where are they headed? Slow some of the pivotal parts down. You have room to do this and make it stand out. When working with dialog, it heightens the scene when actions go along with it, the sound of the voices, happy/sad/bitter/angry/etc. Keep working. You have a good imagination. Write on!   
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You responded to this review 07/18/2016 @ 1:20pm EDT