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Review #4242592
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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (4.0)
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"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Creeper Of The Realm Author Icon

PLOT -
Maya and Jake are trying to make the most of every moment they have with one another. His cancer battle is slowing taking everything from him and it's making it difficult for the couple to find moments to be together the way they used to be. On this day they will rekindle the passion that brought them together.

SETTING -
The intimacy was there. I could follow along well enough when they were at the beach.

CHARACTERS -
Jake sets the pace and gives both of them what they want. Maya seems surprised, yet goes for it anyway.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
At first I thought of throwing them away
~There are moments when you get stuck on certain words that repeat constantly in the same paragraph. For instance the word, load. Think about changing that up.

THOUGHTS -
When Maya was unbuttoning his shirt and you described the changes in his chest, that was well done and really showed what it was like for her to see her husband suffering and shrinking before her eyes. That was powerful. As the intimacy progressed, the pacing was a little too slow and the words that were repeated effected the flow of the story. A little tweaking and this piece will really sizzle. Write On!
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