PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS




PLOT

I liked this story and, if it was real, it was good you learnt the safe way what drugs are all about. You got caught, which probably saved your life.

SUGGESTIONS

These childhoods belong to those whose actions (are) don't have consequence. (delete)

'I want to say that I'm not one of those people, one of those that wasn't curious or wasn't greedy. I was, unfortunately, and its haunted me to this day. Maybe it was because I was uninformed, maybe it was because I liked discovering new things, but I still regret it. I know I was too young for what I was doing, I know that it will affect my mentality, but how was I supposed to know what I was getting myself into? I was just a kid! It shouldn't matter anymore, right?' This is too wordy. I would write... 'If I told you I wasn't one of those people, it would be a lie. curiosity took over and I let it.The memory of the incident haunts me even now.'

'I was lying face down on my desk, wanting to go home. I wasn't even asleep, I just stared outside for however long, waiting for my bed.' I would write... 'I lay down, face first, on my desk and longed for the sanctuary of my home and bedroom.'

He eyed around the classroom, gesturing for me to look. The whole class was scurrying around in a mad frenzy, rushing through the door if their lives depended(). add (on it)

'I groaned again. I had completely forgot. That was a lie, I hadn't completely forgot - I brought everything, I just wanted to forget. I was forced into the sport for heaven's sake, why would I even want to go?! It was also my dad's birthday today, that was a perfect excuse.' Again, too wordy.' I would write...'I groaned and hit my forehead with the palm of my hand. "Sorry mate, I forgot," I lied. Could this day get any worse? My parents made me join this stupid sports team, which I hated... maybe I could get out of going...' There is no need to mention the birthday as you have explained it with dialogue.

We both paused for a little while(,) until a smirk (was plastered) on Noah's face. Something was definitely up. I decided to question his motives. (delete) (started to form)

"What are we supposed to do with it?" (I asked, almost regretting so as Noah replied.) I would write... (I asked as I kicked the sports bench) or something like that. Show his regret.

"Are you joking? Have you ever had a needle(?!)" (delete one) don't need both.

"Now push the end," he said. It was obvious he was trying to hide his pain, but at least he was making() feel like I was making the right decision. I did as he instructed. (me)

Nothing (was happening at all.) (happened)

I like the way you described his drug fit... how he felt and what he did. Also, the dialogue was very realistic and believable.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I think it would add to the story if the reader could see a bit of inner thought. This is what your main character is thinking and is usually written in italics.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good story but needs a lot of work. If you want me to reread this story, after the edits, or any other story, please ask.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .