PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS




PLOT

This is a good plot and if you want to write it as a diary, that would work but, in my opinion, it wouldn't work quiet so well if you wrote it using both story and diary method.

SUGGESTIONS

I blow a red light or two trying to make sure I get there (right) at five, just as they asked, they still make me sit and wait as soon as I get there. (delete)/c} as we know that is what time the appointment is from your next sentence.)

She stands there, slightly swaying with her hands balling up the fabric of her skirt at the sides, before saying "I'm sorry, it looks like () won't be able to accept your application at this time" (they/I)

At first, I thought it was a diary as you started with a time. If that is not the case as I think then, in my opinion, there should be more emotion in the first half as well as in the middle and last part as well. She has been promised the apartment... planned the move... now they tell her that is not the case. If this was me I'd want to know why at least. Even if I don't show it to her, I'd feel more emotion than hitting the dashboard and crying.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

All we know about this character is she is desperate and different as they offered her the place and as soon as they saw her changed their minds.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I am intrigued. If you want me to review this again, after the rewrites, or anything else; just let me know.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .