PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS




PLOT

I like the idea, I just think it needs more description and more details. I also think it is a bit rushed and needs more things to happen before the end. We need more emotion and scary bits lol.

SUGGESTIONS

'During a summer evening in July, Todd sat on the porch of his new house in California. Todd sat in his chair and felt bored and restless.; The heat was sweltering and he was sick of chilling on the porch with a cold soda in hand. He had thought that this summer could be interesting for him. He had planned all sorts of adventures and had done all of his activities. Also, he had worked creating lesson plans for his science class but that was already just about completed. The only unit he had left was mythical creatures.' I would write... 'Todd sat on the porch in his rocking chair with a huge grin on his face. The sun sank behind the mountains on this warm July evening as he turned his head to gaze up at his new house. Todd fidgeted in his seat and sighed. He put his finger in the pool of soda on the table beside him and huffed. He wiped his face with the palm of his hand as sweat droplets formulated on his skin. His work and plans for the summer were practically completed. The only thing left were the plans for his science class at ...., where he taught, happened to be 'mystical creatures.'

'Well, Todd thought that unit can wait. I need to do something more exciting tonight. He looked at the events page for his town. “ Nice, a graveyard scavenger hunt. That sounds intriguing.” Todd decided to go to it. After all, he was new to the town, he thought. I should try to meet people.' I would put this in italics as this gives more of an effect, in my opinion, and makes it more dramatic. Well, I need to do something exciting tonight. The unit can wait. He rose and went to fetch the local paper from the kitchen cupboard. He sat at the table and flicked through. This sounds interesting, a graveyard scavenger hunt.

“Have fun, she shouted.” and The participants all scattered ready to figure out the clue. Todd stood there briefly and decided to go left. If anything, he thought, this will be() pleasant walk. The dialogue should be on its own line and so should the next sentence as it is a different action scene. (a)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I didn't see any. Apart from knowing he was new to the neighbourhood, we know nothing about the main character. This story needs more body for us to feel anything towards Todd.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good start to an interesting story. It just needs a bit more work. Thank you for sharing.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .