Greetings B-T

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 17 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
It's an interesting story with Cyn being an escaped prisoner of war and on the run. There are a lot of questions that has me interested in reading more to find the answers. Really good description that pulled me further into the story and Cynthia's plight.

What I Liked Best:
Your use of description really drew me into the story. I had no trouble picturing the scene as it unfolded, and each of the characters introduced had enough detail for me to see them in my mind.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
I did wonder about the pledge. Was this the oath she took as a soldier? Or is this the oath she took after escape? I was confused about it because as the story unfolded I thought perhaps she would become a spy, working the underground to help others escape the way she had. As an opening I found it intriguing.

Opening Paragraph:
I'm going to focus on the first paragraph after the pledge. There was enough information to hold my attention and have me wanting to know more about your main character. She's on the run, escaping prison and I want to know why. Why was she a prisoner? Where is she running from? How did she escape? That is the draw and it worked for me.

Plot:
You have a solid plot filled with questions about what Cyn's life was before prison, during, and what this new life holds for her. Adding the her real fear at the end of the chapter has me wanting to read on to see what's in store for her next.

Character Development:
There is a enough information about Cynthia that let me get a glimpse of her. Good questions into what she has been through and how she is afraid to be discovered. Her fear is real. Being isolated and alone in a new city doesn't bother her much after her ordeal in prison. It's a welcoming change, and the price of freedom for her is well worth her having to change her name. Will she be able to blend in? Will her accent slip and alert others that she's not who she claims to be? I like her, want to root for her and follow along as her story unfolds.

Dialog:
Hilda was a clear character, speaking differently from Cynthia. She only said what she had to. Good for a secondary character. Their scene together played out well. The use of description in this part of the chapter showed me what was happening and the dialogue worked well.

Spelling & Punctuation:
Her escaped was all that mattered.

Grammar:
From the darting gaze and rapid words, she could tell. A rat on the streets. What did she have to criticize him though? What could she tell? A rat on the streets is a fragment. Should What be Why?

Cyn couldn’t help that her eyes became misty, or that her body drew into itself until she rocked in the fetal position.

Continuity:
“Can I, um, can I work here?”

She didn’t want to put the offer in the woman’s mind.I'm a little confused here. If she didn't want to put this in the woman's mind, then why ask? Did you mean she wanted to put the offer in the woman's mind?

Gang raped in the middle of the night.Should this be a question?

The last few paragraphs tell that there's no chairs and she was leaning over the table. She pulls the backpack onto her lap. Is she sitting on the floor here? When she goes through her the things from her old life, it overwhelms her and she winds up on the ground in the fetal position. This needs a little more clarity.

Form:
I found no issues with your form. It was a smooth read.

Clarity:
The plot was clear. Cyn is on the run and starting a new life, having to change her identity and try to blend in. Not an easy task, but necessary for her survival.

Hook:
The pledge started us off and we quickly learn Cyn is has escaped a prison camp. That is a good hook that grabbed my attention. As we follow along in her journey, we begin to see a picture of who she is. The introduction of what's inside the backpack she holds so close to her gave a clearer picture. We learn she's a POW. Now she's alone in a new place, having to rely on herself to blend in and not draw attention to herself. Her emotions are raw, which is another good draw.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
I think you have a good foundation to build your novel upon. There is enough information for me as a reader to care about your main character and wonder where she will go from here. I want to root for her. Cynthia is likable and someone the reader can relate to.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:

Rhythm & Meter:
The chapter progressed at a good pace.

CLOSING STATEMENT
You have a good first chapter. I like Cynthia and you captured my attention with her situation. There is enough raw emotion and description, as well as questions to make me want to continue reading. You had a good hook at both the beginning and the ending. We go from seeing her on the run, not knowing where exactly where she's going, to alone and afraid in a new city, her POW days in the past, but looming over her. Finding out she was a soldier was a good hook at the end.

Purple Holiday Princess

STATIC

Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis  (E) Looking for solid NOVEL feedback from other novelists? The NW is BACK & better than ever! #2088228 by Carol St.Ann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .