PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS




PLOT

This is a good story as far as I can tell. It makes me want to read on and that means it is a good start. Remember, this is just my opinion, so, take what you think is useful and disregard the rest.

SUGGESTIONS

1) DON'T SHOW,TELL
2) REFRAIN FROM USING 'HAD' 'WAS' 'BEEN' AND 'ING' WORDS AS THEY TEND TO BE REDUNDANT WORDS AND TELLING WORDS.
3) REFRAIN FROM OVER EXPLAINING YOURSELF. MOST READERS LOVE TO FIND THINGS OUT AS THE STORY PROGRESSES.

'After 10 minutes of uncomfortable small talk and uncertainty of where she was being taken, Lyn showed her to a quiet bridge near the train station. It was small and already filled with others trying to escape the streets that lie above.' I would write,,, 'They walked past the train station and under the bridge. Lyn stopped, turned and grinned. "Welcome," she whispered.'

'Her leg was still throbbing from her embarrassing fall earlier so she tried to straighten it, hoping it would soon heal.' I would write... 'Her leg throbbed from an earlier fall.'

(The blanket was dirty and had a dozen tiny tears in it but looked like it would do the job.) She lay on the cold hard concrete and pretended she was somewhere else other than there. Lyn's back pressed against hers and although it rubbed against the dressing stuck to her back, it left nice to feel the warmth of another person on her skin.)( As she drifted off to sleep , she couldn't help but think)
How the hell am I gonna keep this secret?

I would write... (The blanket smelt of urine and looked more like a rag. It felt rough against her bare skin but she pulled it around herself and lay on the hard concrete floor. she shut her eyes and imagined a warm beach somewhere away from there. Lyn lay down beside her and the girl felt the warmth of her body under the blanket.) (delete)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Too soon to really say but looks promising.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good start and if you want me to rereview or review anything else, let me know. Thank you for sharing.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .