PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS




PLOT

I like the storyline.

SUGGESTIONS

1) IT NEEDS TO BE LONGER. THIS IS THE SEX CHANGE OPERATION, I TAKE IT, SO THERE SHOULD BE MORE EMOTION. I KNOW AS I USED TO WORK IN A TRANSEXUAL CLUB.
2) SHOW, DON'T TELL. REFRAIN FROM USING WORDS LIKE 'WAS' 'HAD' 'BEEN' AS THEY ARE ALL PASSIVE AND TELLING WORDS. ALSO, WORDS ENDING IN 'LY' AND 'ING'

'Remembering how wonderful she'd felt the last few days, Gabby stared dumbstruck out the window watching the man she'd been falling for back out of the driveway, then drive down the road, the car becoming smaller with each passing moment. A single tear had begun developing in her eye, until its mass tipped it over her lid like a car on a roller-coaster, and it streamed down her cheek, leaving a path behind. She stared in silence watching him disappear, shrinking until he was barely a discernible dot at some point on the horizon.' I WOULD WRITE... 'Gabby stared in horror as the man of her dreams backed out of the house, turned and darted for his car. A tear ran down her cheek as he drove away and disappeared over the hill.'

She punched the line for Heather, (then began pressing keys) “He took off after told him. I need to do something. Jet's tonight?” I WOULD WRITE... (and started to press the numbers of her phone number with the keypad.'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The story is too short for the reader to get a feel for the character. It needs to be longer. Maybe this could be how it starts then you could have flashbacks to how they met...

FINAL THOUGHTS

This could be a great story if developed a bit more. If you need any more help like reviewing other stories or help in any other way, please let me know. Thank you for sharing. If you do decide to rewrite this story and want me to review it again, just let me know.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .