*************************DELETE***************************************

Greetings Eogin

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

THINGS I LIKE
YOUR WRITING
(MISTAKES AND CORRECTIONS


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

1) I like both hooks. The beginning hook hooked me like a fish, while the story drew me in and the end hook caught me. I want to read the rest of your book/novel, and might seek it out after this contest.

2) Grammer and spelling are on point as well. Very well done.

3) I enjoyed the plot and found it clear and precise. It reminded me of Harry Potter and the goblet of fire. A young royal man thinks he won't be chosen but is and an evil force appears at the end... great idea. I think the pace was quick set and suited the story well. I got the feel of the chapter straight away and enjoyed the way it was written, in the first person present mode.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND DIALOGUE

I felt the essence of the narrator straight away, which has a lot to do with the way it was written. The dialogue was very realistic and believable as well as feeling natural. The hint of Grace and the narrator being more was a very subtle underling tone.

SUGGESTIONS

(He had a choice – and he chose wrong.I was never given one damned choice.) 'The overuse of the word choice and try to refrain from using 'had' as publishers don't like it. I would write... (At least they gave him an alternative,unlike me.)

(Grace walks past me, I always spot it when she does.) This seems awkward. I would write...(I see Grace approach and scowl as she walks past me.)

(I remain frozen, listening my heart restart.) This doesn't make sense. I would write... (I couldn't move as my heart missed a beat.) If the heart stops, you are dead. Unless they don't need a heart to stay alive, in which case I would mention that before the statement.

The relatives start to leave, (but I keep searching her eyes. Just once more - prove to me that you looked. But she doesn't turn, instead, she's the first to enter the Great Hall.) I would write... (I tried to catch her eye but she lowered them and stared at the grass beneath her feet as she entered the great hall.)

(Humans are said to use them to fly. That, and the fact that they're different from us, are all we're taught about them in school.) I would write... (They are different from us and humans use them to fly is the extent of my knowledge about the creatures.)

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great first chapter and thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest.

NAME: DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .