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 Review #4255414 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings JMRobison I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ONE ! OVERALL IMPRESSION The name of this entry struck a cord of memory. It's such an unusual name. I've read another incarnation of this and once I got going the details resurfaced. I enjoyed your earlier version of this as well as this one. If you're curious, here's my earlier review of the previous version. I didn't look at it until after the review was written so it's entirely possible I made some of the same comments. Invalid Review  What I Liked Best: Well let's see, you have magic--someone who has it and someone who wants it. That's a winner of a concept historically, lots of books with this same thread because it works well. I like that you twisted it to only men get magic. And I really like your main character. It's hard not to like someone who will sacrifice his freedom to save his family! WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT Opening Sentence: You have tension. You have mystery. I read your first line, "I used to question why only the sons of the family could hold magic, but upon hearing my sister scream, "Happy Sweet Sixteen WDC, Zadicayn!" as they dragged her and my mother away, I understood." and I instantly want to know, who's taking them away, why only men have magic, what happened to his family? Questions that will all propel me forward, urge me to read MORE. But, it's a very long sentence. I think many would argue too long for the first line of a novel. I've read, and agree, with a lot of the opinion that first sentences should be short and sweet--to the point. I might suggest breaking this up. Actually, I think opening with his sister screaming his name might pull a reader into the action more fully, quickly. Something like: "Zadicayn!" My sister screamed my name as they dragged her and my mother away. I used to question why only the sons of the family could hold magic, but upon hearing her screams, I now understood. Opening Paragraph: You're open paragraph, as noted above, in one long rambling sentence. It's a heck of a sentence, packed with intrigue, but it's a bit overwhelming to me as a reader. I found myself stopping and rereading, getting hung up on the different parts. I would break this sentence up into a few to smooth the passage. Other than that, it's a killer opening! Plot: Zadicayn--what a cool name, btw--is a man gifted, or cursed as the case seems to be based on what's happening to him, with magic. He has it, other men need it. To coax cooperation out of him they kidnap and hold his mother and sister, forcing him to retrieve some artifacts for them. I don't know for what purpose, or what he really does. That part isn't clear. The first part of that, why, isn't a deal breaker but I'd really love more of a sense of what he's doing. He retrieves Fae Wood pieces. From where? What are they? He acquires three blood sucking diamonds. Pretty clear what they are, and what they're used for becomes clear quickly, but where did he get them? Did he steal them, buy them, make them? He creates his own prison. How long did this take him? How did he know how to do this? Those are the questions I'm left asking and they aren't answered in this chapter. I'd like more to give me some clarity here. I think you have the space in the word count. Only a few sentences would do it I think. If they're things that will be explained later, hints would be okay too. No need to paint a complete picture, but give me enough to at least outline the basic shape. So once they have him, and he's completed his tasks for them, he tries to escape. Right now that's all of three sentences. This COULD be an incredible opportunity to up the tension. Right now we hear that he "runs like hell," maybe show me instead of telling me. You have it where he's caught. But that's a different kind of tension. Once they've caught him they proceed to toss him into a dark pit, the undercroft, where he hopes and pray that his sister will rescue him. He knows she probably won't though. He's locked down in the darkness, having cast a spell on himself that will keep him alive. Character Development: Zadicayn is our main characer. He's clear and developed nicely for a first chapter. However, you mention two other characters by name that I have no idea who they are. Gandorlain and Dendaryl. If you aren't going to tell me who they are, perhaps don't name them here. Leave them as the nameless guards. OR, make them the same person. We hardly know Zadicayn, we have his mother and sister--who are vital to the chapter and tension--do we really need two more characters who are a mystery? Dialog: I enjoyed the dialog, even in Old English I found it easy to follow. Spelling & Punctuation: Nothing stood out. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Grammar: Nothing stood out. Continuity: I found the story easy to follow. The pacing was good and consistant. I didn't get hung up on anything. As I mentioned in the plot comments, I think it would be good for tension to have the chase prior to him being caught on the bridge. I also think it would be helpful to give us a little more information about what he was doing for them, even if it's only his best guess at what they want from him. And who are "they"? Knowledge of these things can only improve comprehension and draw a reader more fully into your world. Form: Nothing stood out to me. Clarity: My biggest complaint, and this is a toughy in stories like this, is that I don't know anything about this world. I don't know about Fae, let alone Fae Wood artifacts. I know about diamonds, but my knowledge is more about cut and clarity, not blood hungry. And I have no idea how magic works in this world, or if it's public knowledge. Is it secret? A lot of these questions probably are cleared up as the story goes one, but I have a lot of questions in the first chapter about these things. Hook: Magic--your MC has it, others want to use him for it. And they're ruthless enough to use his family against him, throwing him away when they're done. It's a good hook! CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION Structure: Other than the first sentence/paragraph issues I mentioned above, I have no complaints about your structure. Story flowed well. Figurative Language & Vocabulary: No complaints. Rhythm & Meter: No complaints. CLOSING STATEMENT I'm so glad I saw this again! I remember reading this the first time and enjoying it. I'd meant to come back to it and read on. You really have a great beginning here. A MC that your reader can sympathize for and with. Even though he's got magic, something that no one can relate to, he loves his family and everyone should be able to relate to that. Characters you can relate to are a huge part of a successful story and you have one so far. You also have a clear villain, someone your reader can hate--though I wonder if the villain will change in your story. And you have magic! Who doesn't love a tale with magic in it? Very promising start!  
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/03/2016 @ 9:06pm EDT