Greetings nevercease

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

THINGS I LIKE
YOUR WRITING
(MISTAKES AND CORRECTIONS
TIPS

OVERALL IMPRESSION

The first thing that strikes me is the change of tense. The first sentence makes me believe this has happened but the story acts like it is happening now. This is very confusing, which is a shame as the chapter is very good and drew me in. The pace and grammar are good as well, for the most part, and I thought the plot was well throughout. In the beginning, I think an action scene would have made the hook better. If it is in the present tense and you started with the men dragging the narrator's mum off to the dungeons, that would be a good hook. I liked the end hook as it left me wanting to read your novel after the contest.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Try to refrain from using 'ing' words as publishers tend not to like them. They also dislike 'was' 'had' 'ly' any words associated with telling rather than showing.

'I (try convincing) these men I am on their side despite it being disadvantageous to me. I shall pretend to go along with their orders, wait for them to become complacent and lower their guard, and the moment they do... (run. Run like hell.) My suggestions in order... (tried to convince) (run.)

But (they aren't lowering) their guard because they know I am only doing it because of their threats toward my mother and sister if I don't obey their orders. So I give in. I harvest the three Fae Wood pieces upon their request and acquire the three blood sucking diamonds. I also affix cogs and a metal grid to the ceiling of the undercroft beneath the castle chapel where they intend to lock me( when I stop being useful to them.) I would write... (they don't lower) (up the minute my help is not needed)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND DIALOGUE

There is a little development in this chapter but maybe with a few inner thought bubbles, the reader could get a better feel of the narrator and the essence of the story. I like the way the writer builds up tension and ends on a cliffhanger. Also maybe a conversation, in the beginning, would help the hook. The mother screaming and the men taunting her might give this story a good kick start.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good first chapter. I am not sure what the rules for the contest are. If after the first round, can you do corrections or not but if you could fix the confusion about the tenses, you could have a really good contender with this first chapter. Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

NAME: DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .