John Nation



Greetings R.E.Jones




I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 10 !

I will start this review with the technical overview, checking for spelling and grammar.

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions: Bold Red

P2 She took a worn path that took off walking around another block from the university.

Paths do not walk. Perhaps Mary is walking on a trail and takes the path you mention.

P4 “Why do you want to aggravate that cat, can’t you just made friends?”

make


P8 She would have to make her evening run alone today; Winona had a make-up test later today.

Technically there is nothing incorrect with what you wrote. I just have a suggestion. You use the word 'today' two sentences in a row. Consider dropping the first use to avoid repetition.


P9 SeaWorld sounded like it would be a fun job, but usually, fun jobs didn’t last very long or pay very well and she couldn’t help her people swimming around with a bunch of dolphins , still if nothing turned up, she’d keep this in mind.

This sentence seems somewhat long. Perhaps you might use a period instead of a comma after 'dolphins'.

P10 The next letter was to her other roommate and the next and a complimentary magazine from “Happy Sweet Sixteen WDC".

You used the phrase 'Happy Sweet Sixteen WDC'. Makes this work qualified to enter the contest.

P10 She was surprised someone hadn’t ripped it off the envelope already , it must have been hand delivered to the Indian council or the stamp would have a cancelled mark , she held it up to the light and examined the envelope again while speculating whether the council might have ties to the natives on this island , that was a possibility since they would fall into the group of indigenous people.

You have combined four sentences into on. I would change the commas after 'already', 'mark', and 'island' to periods.

P11 it was purchased at the turn of the century to preserve an unknown native culture

By 'turn of the century' do you mean it was purchased around the year 2000 or do you mean 1900? Need to make clear.


P12 Why would somebody put a letter, in a letter? She thought.

Do not need the comma after the 1st 'letter'.

Thoughts should be initialized. Why would somebody put a letter in a letter? She thought.


P16 at least this was better than the mail truck she’d been stuck with a few days before, at least she could

Used the term 'at least' twice in the same sentence. That is at least one time too many.

P21 Dink said , to nobody in specific.

comma is not needed.

P24 The door to the house opened and a young man in a white coat moved to hold open the screen door while an older gentleman helped an elderly lady to her car, which was probably the new Doctor that was taking over grandfather’s clinic.

You need to rearrange this sentence. The older gentleman helping the elderly lady to her car comes between the young man in the white coat being the doctor that would take over her grandfather's practice.


P27 “Mary the symbol in

need a comma after 'Mary'.

P27 I didn’t fully understand what it is,

Using the word 'didn't' implies that before the letter, Mary's grandfather, Doctor Stillwaters, did not know, but after the reading the letter does understand what the letter means. If Grandfather still does not understand, change 'didn't' to 'don't'.

P33 find boxes # A 3369 and A3370.”

Be consistent. Either put a space between both A and number or remove space between A and number.


P34 “Does it say , what’s in the boxes?” Mary asks.

1st, the comma after 'say' should be removed.
Next, you have changed tenses. Before all was in past tense. Using the word 'asks' instead of 'asked' makes this sentence present tense.


P36 how is that possible?” Mary questions

Present tense

P37 around there wanting

they're

P37 on what it ask you to do.

asks


P39 This necklace will suffice, he’d said; always wear

quotation marks before 'This' and after 'suffice'.
'he' instead of 'he'd'


P40 On board the plane for Washington.

incomplete sentence.

P42 was in the last years of the Seminole Indian wars, which would have put it around 1857 might have been a little later, she’d have to look up the exact date.

This sentence is difficult to follow. I would rewrite it.


P45 She would never know what this page represented, no more begging for funds or manpower, this was his free pass.

'She' is unknown. To this point in the tale, the only 'she's' are Mary and Patricia. Neither of them appear to effect Agent Spender's financing.
If the 'she' in question is Agent Spender's supervisor, you need to point that out.


P46 leaving behind 18teen dying guards while 1800 miles away

eighteen 1,800


P47 The short written overlooked notations

The short, written what? Report? Document? Letter? Journal?



P51 “What about the girl , that went in when they opened this morning?” Marty his partner questioned.

Do not need the comma after 'girl'. Do need a comma after 'Marty' and a comma after 'partner'


P53 He bothers me Marty;

Comma after 'me'.


P53 when we get back do a little digging somebody had to be helping her.”

Make two sentences. Period after 'digging' and capitalize 'somebody'


P53 the head of that dept. thinks; they may be some old

Do not abbreviate. Spell out department. Remove the semicolon after 'thinks'


P53 doesn’t think there of any importance, there from Australia.

Change both 'there' to 'they are' or 'they're'


Many of your sentences are actually several sentences separated by commas. My opinion is that your tale might read better if you break these long sentences into shorter ones, using periods. Here is one of your paragraphs and I will demonstrate what I mean:


Why would somebody put a letter, in a letter? She thought. Careful to not damage the stamp, she opened the letter, it was just a few lines, but the handwriting was beautiful, something you very seldom saw in this day and time, it said. ‘Your thesis is good, but don’t stop there. You can make a difference for your people, there’s a lot more. It’s time to put it all together’; then the next few lines were in the old words. It had been a long time since she studied the old words and she didn’t want to make a mistake since the language was so complex, only the Indian nations used it to communicate with each other; it had come into existence when all the tribes started to unify after the Civil War. The government was still trying to decode it, but so far their computers couldn’t break it, granddad had said. She would let him help her translate it. He was on the council of the old ones and every tribe was required to have one proficient in the words.


Why would somebody put a letter in a letter? she thought. Careful to not damage the stamp, she opened the letter. It was just a few lines, but the handwriting was beautiful, something you very seldom saw in this day and time. It said, "Your thesis is good, but don't stop there. You can make a difference for your people. There's a lot more. It's time to put it all together. Then the next few lines were in the old words. It had been a long time since she studied the old words and she didn't want to make a mistake since the language was so complex. Only the Indian nations used it to communicate with each other. It had come into existence when all the tribes started to unify after the Civil War. The government was still trying to decode it, but so far their computers couldn't break it, Granddad had said. She would let him help her translate it. He was on the council of the old ones and every tribe was required to have one proficient in the words.


Read through both and see which one reads better.

This next item is something I have said in all my reviews. For reasons unknown, writers use the words 'had' and 'that' far more than needed. Every time you write a sentence and it has the word 'had' or 'that' in it, read the sentence out loud twice. Once with the word in it, and the next time without the word. If if makes sense and reads well without the word, leave it out.

Okay, that takes care of the technical side. Now to the story itself.

Your 1st paragraph tells me a lot about your main character. I find Mary is graduating college, during her time at college she tried to maintain a low profile, but for reasons unknown, Homeland Security started surveilling her a half year earlier. This captured my attention. What could a young college girl have done to warrant such attention? This was a good opening. As I continued to read, I found Mary is blessed with an ability to communicate with animals. There was a couple of examples given where she uses her ability. She has a crow watching the people watching her, and she sent her dog into her house to get her car keys.

I found it interesting Mary can read the minds of the animals and transmit her thoughts to them. That is a unique ability. I can see why the government shows an interest in her.

It appears that 'The Ghost Who Walks’ is back after a long absence. Exactly what manner of creature this is with what abilities is still unknown. I have the impression he is American Indian and has been in existence for many years. I believe at this point that he is good, wanting to help his people, but there have been many books written where what seemed to be "The Good Guy" at the start of the novel ended up being the villain, so I am not yet positive as to his intentions.

Let me suggest you work a little with scene transition. Mary is on board a plane heading to Washington. Then the next paragraph has Patricia in Nashville checking Mary's flight, and in the next paragraph we have a new character, Agent Spender.
Now we skip ahead one year. There is a new agent, Frank Still and his partner, Marty. From what I can tell, Mary has done a vanishing act. She was able to infiltrate the Smithsonian and it seems get the two boxes she was after and disappear with none of the government agencies following her able to keep track of her.

From what I read, it seems Mary's goal is to help her people. I think her way of going about this is to figure out the secret of 'The Ghost Who Walks'. Once she has his abilities, if that is indeed what she is after, she can become a great shaman and help her tribe prosper.

You need to develop a stronger hook at the end of chapter one to get the reader excited about reading chapter two. You have agents returning to the office because they think all the surveillance is an ‘Efficiency training test'
Maybe consider something along the line of Agent Spender having Mary put on the FBI's 10 most wanted to get all agencies everywhere help hunt her down.

Overall, I enjoyed your story. It has a strong primary character in Mary, and it might have components of the US government as the villain. When given time, I look forward to reading the rest of The White Rabbit.

Happy writing
John Nation

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .