Greetings montyb

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !
Title and Author:

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red

Plot::
A fourteen year old girl is taken by her mother to meat her great-grandmother who is very sick. She fights the whole idea until she gets to the great-grandmothers house where a few mysteries present themselves. Why is her mother afraid of the woods and neighbors? How does the Home health nurse know of her father?

Hook:
First sentence presents a hook with : The stopping of the car didn't register until my ear bud was yanked from my ear. Nicely done. You have also kept the story moving with several other bits of mystery.

Characters Development:

Katrina - Fourteen year old girl not happy with being dragged along on the trip
Lilia (Mom) - giving the impression she is not happy to go to grandmothers.
Esther - home health care nurse


Dialogue:
The dialogue is real. I had no problem telling who was talking.

Punctuation and Structure:

something a bit less emo. (not sure what this word is supposed to be...) Maybe a Frappuccino? You like those."

I think Mom was hoping that I'd relent. (comma not period, lower case on "or") Or that I'd see reason as she likes to put it.


Closing Statement
I had a point and this was the hill I planned to die on. (Excellent analogy, loved the wording)

This is a very well constructed piece. You have emotions which travel the full gambit which is not an easy accomplishment. I could picture the mother and daughter in the car. It seemed familiar somehow, which goes to show you pulled me into the piece. Thank you for submitting.

Starling