Greetings tobel1987

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !


OVERALL IMPRESSION
WHAT WORKED
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
OPENING PARAGRAPH
PLOT

OVERALL IMPRESSION

The story was told very well and I enjoyed reading it. I found myself sitting on the edge of my seat with each word I read. Even though there was a few mistakes and repetition of words, it didn't matter to me as I was captivated by the story itself.

WHAT WORKED

For me, most things worked. The telling of the story was great. There was enough information so we knew what was going on but the background story didn't bog me down to the point it was boring.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

In a few places, in my opinion, there could be more showing than telling. Maybe the travelling parts expand. Maybe met someone along the way, and like the child have a conversation. This will also break up the monologue tone of it just being the narrator talking. Also, the telling of the past with the present can be very confusing. Maybe make a link before the cross over. Or use something to indicate the change.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

Although the opening paragraph doesn't grab me, it is a solid start to this story and not bad as opening hooks go. Maybe the bomb going off, in the beginning, might add to the excitement but it is not necessary.

PLOT

The plot is simple but effective. Someone dropped a bomb on DC and the people who survived are fighting each other for what little food and water there is left. The main character is travelling away from the disaster.

Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

NAME DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"