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 Review #4257447 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Paul D I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 14! OVERALL IMPRESSION You have an intergalactic mystery, and a rescue mission which might be a revolt instead if I'm reading the first paragraphs right, in a futuristic society. There's definitely potential here. But... I feel like there's something missing. First, if Felicity and Harlan are the main characters, this chapter should start with them. I'd almost suggest the first section as a prologue, but they've gone out of fashion. Second, the accident felt too detached. I need more visceral imagery. Put me in that cube with Felicity. SHOW me what she's feeling, seeing, smelling. I've been in a car accident and time seems to slow down then speed up. I remember hearing my heart pounding in my ears above the sounds of crunching metal and my mom screaming in anger. I remember the way the car started to spin and the way that seemed to connect directly to my stomach. I'm not saying your cube crash is the same, but put me in that vehicle so that I feel like I just lived through that horror. Finally, the President just shows up in her room? I had some doubts about that. If he came, I'd imagine there'd be a mob of security with him. And unless she's made some serious waves in school, why would she be targeted? Basically I have a lot of questions. **This is sort of a clarity issue but it was a strong impression so I want to mention it here too--this is a different world then the one I experience everyday. Saying VAC, PPC, cubes, etc... means little to nothing to me unless they're explained. You might want to explain these things a bit at the beginning, at first mention. What I Liked Best: A young, innocent fmc and a slightly jaded sounding mmc... I like it already. I'm really curious to see how these two get on together! WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT Opening Sentence and Paragraph: In my humble opinion, your first chapter should start here: Felicity A. Charles walked up onto the dais to receive her diploma. Your main character should be your focal point, they should be who's introduced first and foremost. The previous section feels like a prologue to me. Plot: Felicity is a new grad and she's recruited by a law enforcement agency to help learn what happened to President Harris as he and two other ships sent to find him have gone missing. While being taken in, I'm assuming to be recruited to do this, she's in an accident that kills the agent bringing her in. She wakes up in the hospital and the President comes to ask for her to go undercover and help solve the mystery. She's going to get a partner though, and that man--Harlan--doesn't seem to want one. The chapter ends with his taunting plan to "test her out" and see what she's about before he tells her who he is. Character Development: I feel like you did a good job with this. I don't have any complaints about Felicity or Harlan. Dialog: Dialog flowed well and nothing felt stiff or forced. Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar: Nothing stood out to me. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Continuity: I feel like the first part of your story is really a prologue and your story doesn't start until after the break. Clarity: This is a big one in a story like this. When you are dealing with technology (or magic or anything that's never existed in our world) clarity is key! If it doesn't exist in this world then it needs some sort of an explanation, even if it's indirect. Right now you have a lot of terms, like vac for instance. I hear vac and I think a vacuum not a mode of transportation. You do a good job explaining it but it needs to happen sooner, at first mention. Something like: She followed him to the vac transportation station, which was only a block from the school. Would clear up the confusion at first mention. Hook: An intergalactic crime. Spaceships and the young innocent vs the experienced jaded. You've got hooks. CLOSING STATEMENT There is definite potential here, it just needs some tweaks and clarity added. Straight sci-fi is typically not my genre (usually insist on some romance in my reads) but I would probably keep reading if this found its way into my reading pile! Good, solid start--just needs some fine tuning!  
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/07/2016 @ 7:49pm EDT