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 Review #4257637 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings shopgirl739 I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: Jessie falls down a shaft at her deceased grandfathers manor. She is carrying an old book and looking for a key to unlock the book. Two of her friends came to the manor house with her, but they are still up above on another floor. Jessie is not even sure if they are all right. A piece of rock falls off the wall and a key is on top of the small pile of rubble. The key ends up fitting another door at the other end of the room she fell into. When she gets the door open torches start to light up along a long hallway. Jessie starts to follow the hallway. Hook: First sentence is a very good hook. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: The stage is set. We now know Jessie is in trouble and she has a book which is going to be important to the story. Nicely done. Characters Development: Jessie - main character Emma - mentioned Abbie - mentioned Dialogue: Not really much dialogue.You might want to consider italizing the thoughts and removing any words such as, she thought. It seems to be the way to go now days. Punctuation and Structure: “Aren’t sororities supposed to go by Greek letters,” asked Emma? (Question mark not comma after 'letters' and period not question mark after 'Emma') ... hesitate at all. Abbie was on the only one ... ... discussed the instructions in the letter and speculated on just what was so important in that book that ( I would make this read.....'what was so important in the book they had...'. I have had more than one reviewer tell me the word "that" should not be used unless absolutely necessary, so just passing this little tidbit along.) they had to go hunt for the key. ... She turned to look, all... ... on the top of the pile. Of (remove period after 'pile', lower case on 'of') crumbled stone. ... dim light from the window, (no comma) fell on the opposite wall As she reached for the metal ring to pull it open, she heard the sounds of metal creaking and groaning. (Has she set the book down or is she still trying to juggle it in her arms as she opens the new door? If you have her put it down, don't forget to have her retrieve it later, if she leaves the room she is presently in.) The key had triggered off (remove word 'off') something mechanical and ... “Sometimes the only choice we have is really not a choice at all.” (This is one of the best saying in the world.... it is so true.) Closing Statement First go through the story and read the sentences which contain the word "that". Remove the word and see how the sentence reads. If it still makes sense remove the word "that". Everything in green is my personal ideas. You are creating an enjoyable valid mystery. Thank you for posting. Starling
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You responded to this review 09/08/2016 @ 11:45am EDT