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Review #4257771
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*Bookstack* *Books3**Books4**Books5**Books6**Books1*
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings Elle - on hiatus:

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 5


OVERALL IMPRESSION

*Bookstack* What I Liked Best:
Love Love Love the story within a story idea. It's well thought out and cleverly presented. Jayden is quite a character in his own 'write', and I've been enjoying getting to know him today.

WRITING SKILLS and CRAFT

*Bookstack* Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
I'm going to include your first two paragraphs here, because I need them to illustrate what I am about to suggest.
It was an ordinary morning that gave no hint of the epic day yet to arrive.

It’s hard to come up with the perfect first line for a new story when your sister is complaining to your parents that you won’t let her in your room, your mum is yelling at you to tidy your room and the dog is barking at the next-door neighbour’s cat. But Jayden refused to give up. He sat on his bed, staring intently at the blank piece of paper at the front of his brand-new journal and chewing on the end of his pencil.


Might you consider rearranging this? What about pulling the end of the second paragraph up to the top and introducing Jayden straight off? See what you think: Jayden refused to give up. He sat on his bed, staring intently at the blank piece of paper at the front of his brand-new journal and chewing on the end of his pencil. It’s hard to come up with the perfect first line for a new story when your sister is complaining to your parents that you won’t let her in your room, your mum is yelling at you to tidy your room and the dog is barking at the next-door neighbour’s cat.

Please understand; I'm not attempting to edit your novel. I am only making suggestions from a separate perspective, a fresh set of eyes. By no means is it my intent to hijack your story -- though I freely admit I wish I had thought of it first -- So please accept or reject any ideas I offer as nothing more than conversational between writers, and toss it if it doesn't suit your vision.


HOLY SH MOLEEE! I forgot I was reviewing. No. Really. I forgot. It was that good.
I never forget when I'm reviewing. I... well... I I guess I loved it. I'm verklempt right now.

So let me think.
Loved the plot. Was enthralled, actually, with the notion of a story within a story and the story part of the story becoming reality... or was it?
Character Development was stellar. I know them and like them a lot.
Dialog was so natural I felt I could hear everyone.
SPG, so perfect I forgot I was review... I already said that, didn't I?
I'm sure I can say something about continuity...

*Bookstack* Continuity:
Sensibly ordered order and easy to follow.

*Bookstack* Form:
This story has a lovely figure. Plump at the top and bottom and fitted tighter through the middle.

*Bookstack* Clarity:
What? Oh. Yes, of course. Crystal clear.

*Bookstack* Hook:
Yes, I am.

Elle, this is great. (I'm fairly confident you wrote this just to embarrass me in front of the reviewing community. *Laugh* *Laugh* *Laugh* But seriously, it was a joy to read and very, very clean copy. I read it aloud to my wee ones and they loved it also. So there ya go. Have you submitted it yet?

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in this portion of my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I Read
Editing Suggestions


Yeah. Well, I pretty much don't need this section either.

Oh wait. There was one thing.
Everything was so real - he could feel the breeze playing in his hair, could hear the man's deep voice, feel his feet firm on the sand. It was hard to remember it was a story
Feel who's feet firm on the sand? The man is the antecedent here, so this doesn't work.
Also we go from Jayden to the old man and then back to Jayden. Maybe rearrange it so Jayden can feel hims hair and feet and then hear the man's voice?

Thank goodness a reason for this review.... I feel better now.

CLOSING STATEMENT
Thank you for joining in the Competition. It has been a true pleasure reading your chapter.


This review has been thoughtfully prepared for you
by a proud member of

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/08/2016 @ 7:33pm EDT
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