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 Review #4257923 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings {huser:SB is Lisbeth Salander} I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: Ten year old, Cassia is having a magic lesson. When she starts to lose her concentration, she gets upset which makes her lose her concentration more. The lesson ends and she decides to go and see if the other children would like to play. When they start talking about monsters in the woods, she decides to tease them about being afraid. She says she is going to go to the woods, even if they are too afraid to. Hook: The hook is good. The reader wants to find out more about Cassia. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: You have done an excellent job at introducing Cassia in the first paragraph. Also setting the stage for the background of the story. Characters Development: Cassia - Main character Mistress Maui - Cassia's magic teacher Other children Dialogue: Punctuation and Structure: You did an excellent job of catching any problems with punctuation and Structure. Congratulations. Closing Statement I enjoyed this story. I'm thinking you are targeting early to mid teens as your readers. I stopped reviewing at the following spot, because I am seeing more than one chapter submitted. "Please, Maui is gone and I know she left you. Just a little ride," she begged. The mare let out a soft snort and stared at her hand. One ear pricked forward as another was turned backward. Cassia could see the horse was thinking about it. She finally picked up the fruit delicately and nodded her dished head. Toiyk kneeled on one leg to let the girl mount her. Cassia clumsily crawled onto the horse's bare back. She gathered the thin rope reins together and took off in the direction of the setting sun. She made sure to ask Toiyk to gallop once she passed Isiah and the group of kids. Cassia smiled as she imagined their jealous looks. END OF CHAPTER ~~~~*~~~~~ The forest emerged like a gnarled giant against the barren landscape. Her legs sweated from rubbing against the mare's side. Cassia gripped Toiyk's mane as she bobbed from one side to the other. She saw the twisted branches reaching out as if they were beckoning Cassia to come closer. Pulling back on the reins she halted the mare and threw a leg over to slide sideways. She was thankful that the impact of landing was absorbed by the sand underfoot. Cassia took several sinking footsteps toward her destination. She could sense Toiyk following after her and spun around to look at the mare. My reasoning about this is listed below: ( http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/complete-first-dra... ) BREAK CHAPTERS WHEN YOUR STORY REQUIRES A SHIFT. Changes of place, changes of time and changes of point of view are all excellent places for chapter breaks. Sometimes, our stories necessitate them. For example: END OF ONE CHAPTER: He wiped the sweat from his forehead, took one last squinting look up at the flat, brassy African sky and straightened his limp, damp jacket as well as he could. “We’re done here,” he told Howard. “Let’s get to the airport.”BEGINNING OF NEXT CHAPTER: Maine. Cool, misty, green. A pewter-colored sky … A chapter break like this underscores the fact that there’s been a significant change of some kind—of place, of perspective, of point of view, of plot direction. It jogs your reader’s mind, telling him that it’s time for a reorientation, a retaking of his bearings. You have left yourself with many directions the story can travel in, which is a very good trait. Thank you for posting. Starling
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