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 Review #4258456 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Antonia Ryder I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 32 ! OVERALL IMPRESSION So this is my second time reviewing this. I read it as a short story and now as a chapter in a larger piece. Overall I like this better as a chapter in a larger piece. You had too many mysteries in the short and the perfect number in the larger piece. I think that you did a good job altering this to feed into a novel or novelette. I still feel like there needs to be a little more time spend on what a sword in the heart is. It's more clear than it was but I still want to know what it is. Is this a literal sword he can battle with? What I Liked Best: You've created a character that everyone can connect to. He's sad, wants something more--something different--from life. And where as his is a literal curse, I think everyone can relate to feeling like they've been cursed to hurt or be hurt at least once in their life. So what I liked best is Rookie, the tortured musician. WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT Opening Sentence and Paragraph: Work fairly well. I would almost prefer it to be a little closer perspective. Right now the first paragraph is very removed from Rookie. Can you pull us in closer, give us his identity a little earlier? I'd be curious what that'd look like and if that'd foster a closer, more immediate connection to him. Plot: Rookie is cursed with a sword in the heart. He's run away from home looking for something he's never had... peace, joy. He's playing his violin in the marketplace when his guard finds him and reveals that he can help people and find some of that peace and joy but destroying the ghost knights. Character Development: I need to know a little more about this sword in the heart. How does his "internal weapon" work? Dialog: Dialog works well in my opinion. I do think you could cut down on some of the tags though. Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar: Nothing stood out to me but this isn't my strong suit. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Clarity: The curse is a little more clear but I still need to know what it is a sword in the heart is. Is his hair color the only thing that gives this away? That and his mother dying in child birth? Or is there a physical mark on him? And if this curse causes him to hurt people, how does he do that? Is it physical harm? It seems he can feel it and mentions as much, but what is he feeling? Is this like a phantom sword, literally in his heart, and great emotion causes it to move? Perhaps not all in this chapter, but this definitely needs to be fleshed out a little more for clarity's sake. Hook: Looks like Rookie has a mission! And possible companions. I feel the beginning of an epic Lord of the Rings type of quest coming on. Except instead of destroying one little old ring, they'll have to find and destroy three things. Exciting! CLOSING STATEMENT I really enjoyed the changes here that allowed you to take it from a short to a chapter one! I like Rookie a lot and look forward to hearing more about him and his journey!  
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/12/2016 @ 6:41am EDT