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 Review #4258508 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings SB Musing: I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" Just a note, and it has nothing to do with, (and no effect on) this review: You do have a significant scene change in this chapter. While the cute divider you created makes that perfectly clear, a simple # or ### or even a related symbol like  or  is far more traditional and thus professional, and I think you might want to consider using one of these (stick with the same choice throughout) when preparing your formal manuscript for submission to an agent or publisher. What I Liked Best:The story idea is delicious. And Cassia is one sassy and determined little girl. Opener: Cassia concentrated on a brown ball hovering perfectly in the air. Her red eyes squinted and then closed as she felt the air around her humming with the sound of magic. She guessed it was mid-day, yet it felt like much later and she lost track of time. Her mind cleared of everything except the image of the ball and a single thought reverberated throughout her body. I will become stronger than her, Cassia's power exploded. The air shimmered like heat waves with the currents of her energy. She recalled a face she wanted to forget, one which was much like her own. The object she cradled in her magic began to spin over and over again. You have introduced the mc and protagonist and reveal enough about her that one wants to know more. Plot: Cassia has got something to prove. The other kids have told her about a phantom killer creature in the woods and taunt her until she has had enough of it. To prove she is not afraid of stupid legends, she ventures into the forest and meets the creature face to face. It is chained and injured and men are approaching, she thinks, to kill it. Will her magic prove strong enough to free this killer beast and keep her safe from it and the men who would kill it? Dialog: A good deal of development is shown effectively here. This is your superpower. Within your dialog, I was 100 percent engaged and lost all sense of my surroundings, even to the point that I forgot I was reviewing. This is the second time this has happened to me during reviewing for the Competition. (Dang, but I am reading some good stuff!) Spelling Punctuation Grammar: I point out some grammar issues below, in the Suggestions Section . . . No, not grammar as much as craft. I always like to share two of my favorite links (among many). I refer to them all the time and they save me every time. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Continuity Clarity Hook and Language: There are a few interruptions in continuity that stop the flow, I have noted examples of this below. When the flow or momentum is interrupted, clarity always suffers while the reader stops reading to figure things out. Peppering mini (or "soft") hooks throughout the story as it moves along is a good technique you manage well and the crescendo to the end of chapter hook comes in naturally and does its job. I absolutely want to turn the page to find out if she was able to do what she was attempting and if it sealed the bond of a friendship that might save both Cassia and the Donestre.  Lastly I have to mention language. It's not unusual for fantasy stories to contain oddly spelled words that are impossible to pronounce. This inevitably causes the reader to become hung-up with multiple attempts to create a satisfactory pronunciation. It wouldn't be a bad thing to find a way to introduce the sound you are attempting to create into the dialog. A popular (and yes, it's becoming cliche) way of doing this is to have another character mispronounce the name and have the oddly named character correct it phonetically. It's a cool and courteous thing to do for your readers. SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in this portion of my review: Your Words My Impressions as I Read Editing Suggestions Cassia concentrated on a brown ball hovering perfectly in the air. Her red eyes squinted and then closed as she felt the air around her humming with the sound of magic. She guessed it was mid-day, yet it felt like much later and she lost track of time. Her mind cleared of everything except the image of the ball and a single thought reverberated throughout her body. I will become stronger than her, Cassia's power exploded. The air shimmered like heat waves with the currents of her energy. She recalled a face she wanted to forget, one which was much like her own. The object she cradled in her magic began to spin over and over again. Cassia concentrated on a brown ball hovering perfectly in the air. "Perfectly" is a banal term. What is perfect to you may not be perfect to me, so it is useless. "in the air" is not necessary, as "hovering" does the job of revealing it's not on the ground. Another way to say this might be: Cassia concentrated on the brown ball hovering above her. Her red eyes squinted and then closed as she felt the air around her humming with the sound of magic. Phrases that give body parts action and reaction unto themselves, disembody them. Your eyes cannot physically squint on their own. Can't happen, not ever. You, he, she, they, it, can squint. But your eyes - on their own - cannot choose to squint. Further, filtering words, such as hear, heard, feel, felt, see, saw, tasted, and smelled remind the reader s/he is on the outside looking in. Reader cannot feel something after just having been told character feels it. This is classic telling, disguised as an attempt to show. What about: She squinted and then closed her eyes as the air around her hummed with the sound of magic. You would not label the color of her eyes as long as you want this story in Cassia's point of view (POV). However, if you plan to tell this story from the POV of the omniscient narrator, you can then add the color. (Cassia would not think of her eyes as red. When you put on your make up, you do not think I'm putting makeup on my brown eyes. You're putting it on your eyes. If your character would not naturally think it, and you want the story in her POV, you cannot use it.) You have a momentum going and this next, illogical, thought disrupts it completely. Why would she guess it was midday if it felt much later? Think about it. We make a guess based upon what our senses tell us; in this case, her senses were telling her it was much later. BTW, do either the time of day or her mistaking it have anything to do with the story? Or at the very least, with this moment? Her mind cleared Same thing. (And you need a comma) Maybe, She cleared her mind of everything except the image of the ballCOMMA and the single thought reverberated through her body. I will become stronger than her, Cassia's power exploded. These two thoughts do not go together. Even with the necessary period between them. Do you mean she is willing her power to grow, expand, manifest, intensify? The word "exploded" is violent and conjures a much different vision. Also, I would put her thought into italics. And what power is exploding: levitation? Is she levitating the ball? Or has she stopped it in mid-air as it hurdled toward her? Maybe: I will become stronger than her. Cassia determined, and her power of levitation intensified. The air shimmered like heat waves with the currents of her energy. This is beautiful and effective writing. I understand and can feel what you intend to convey. Oh yeah, give me more like this. She recalled a face she wanted to forget, one which was much like her own. This doesn't ring true. To recall is an intended action. She is intentionally calling to mind a memory. It can't be the word you want to use here. Might you consider something like: The face she wanted most to forget crept into her mind. The object she cradled in her magic began to spin over and over again. Is the brown ball the "object"? Why not say so? Spinning is a continuous motion. so "over and over again" is redundant and over dramatic. Goes to wordiness. The ball she cradled in her magic began to spin. Oh boy. I've gone and re-written your entire opener. But this is what I was doing in my head as I re-read it several times in order to figure it out and get my bearings on what was going on. To be honest, I am still left with some confusion. If Cassia is working so hard to concentrate, (and you write) she has cleared her mind of everything but one thought, how is it she is guessing at the time of day? And how is it the face has come into her mind? I wrapped my mind around the idea that these extraneous thoughts are the distractions that caused her to falter, but in the next paragraph, (I read) it is the teacher's voice that broke Cassia's concentration. I'm not going to make any more suggestions in this review. Suffice it to say the upper part of the chapter is laden with these types of things. Once you get to the dialog, the chapter takes wing. Work on the top portion, clear up these issues and tighten it up. It's a good one, my friend, and worth the patience and time it will take to perfect it. Please know my suggestions are just that: Suggestions. From one writer to another. I make no attempt to hijack your work, rather only to help along the way -- as so many WDC reviewers have done for me over these last ten years. CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition. It has been a pleasure reading your chapter.   This review has been thoughtfully prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/11/2016 @ 5:48pm EDT