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 Review #4260463 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Eogin: I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" Overall Impression:So may errors, grammar, spelling, punctuation, commas, quotation marks, spacing between paragraphs, missing words, and more. It's so laden with these, I found it was difficult to get past them long enough to read this. I had to read it several times. I do suggest you, at the very least, make every effort to proofread for errors. Opener: You open in first person narrative, in the moment but for barely a second, before backstory invades the here and now. Normally, I do not care for this, but you did it well enough for me to continue. I found Barnaby, whose name I learned a bit later on, is a bit of an Eyore. That can get tiresome pretty quick. Plot: Barnaby is in poor-me mode. He's whiny and unlikeable. His father was considered a traitor and Barnaby, among his own peers, pays the price for his heritage. It's an unpleasant life and Barnaby doesn't seem to have any interest in rising above it. He's wallowing. He has eyes for a girl who won't show him the time of day, and he hates her for it. He dreams of ways to hurt her; it's his hobby. And he's dreaming about it now, when suddenly she looks his way and allows a moment of eye-contact. Then his dream of being selected for sponsorship or mentoring by the Ministry seems to be coming true and he can't believe it. First the girl and now this. But as things go for Barnaby, just as he's about to take hold of all he ever wanted, all hell breaks loose and there is some kind of attack afoot. Along with the others, he is attacked and beaten, and he looses consciousness as the chapter concludes. Character Development: There is no question that you have drawn Barnaby out well, but I found him whiny, and I grew tired of him and his self pity enough so that I started to tune him out. Even your terrific opening line was not enough to keep me focused. I put this chapter down several times just out of not wanting to listen to this guy carry on. At some point other characters are brought in, but I didn't get to know them enough and in trying to, I found confusion, especially about Jonathan, so I left that alone. It is revealed they are not human, but there is no indication of just exactly what they are. Then the elders, or ranking individuals, are publicly selecting from the younger crowd, (Barnaby, et al) their choice to mentor ... sponsor? Barnaby's chosen by the one he dreamed of but never dared hope for, and all hell breaks loose, complete with terrorists and fire. Dialog: The only character really speaking is Barnaby, and he is telling this story from start to finish. He's a narcissist, so it's all about him and his feelings and what he wants, and the others are barely mentioned by name and certainly not developed or given voice. They are present only to give Barnaby a world. Spelling Punctuation Grammar:Here area few sites that may be of some help. https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Clarity: A lot is hinted at, but nothing is clear. Hook: You do have one included, but I feel it's underdeveloped. CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition. It has been a pleasure reading your chapter.   This review has been prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable ** 
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You responded to this review 09/18/2016 @ 5:39pm EDT