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 Review #4262481 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings B-T: I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today in accordance with our pledge of three reviews as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." . Opener: Your opener is very powerful, and I am engaged immediately. From the pledge at the top and Cynthia's concern over others reacting to her vocal dedication to it, to her calming herself down by forcing herself into the realization her escape was real; it had not been a dream. And wondering what she'll do now. Just WOW! I want to know her story no matter where it takes me. You've introduced her right at the top, and while there has never been a time in my life where escape was ever a reality or needed to be such, I can identify with her feelings, because I have experienced the surreal, where for a brief moment I wasn't sure if I had dreamt that moment or if it really happened. (Meeting my beloved was a moment like that.) So I was right there with her emotionally, even with a situation bearing no reality to my own life. Just stellar writing - on so many levels. Plot: We move into the story with the same gusto you employed in the opener. Before long I know Cynthia's circumstances and a good part of her dilemma. I care about her a great deal and want her to succeed and survive -- or is it survive and succeed? Dialogue: We are mostly in Cynthia's head, which is completely appropriate to this chapter. What little dialogue there is, is perfect and believable. Spelling Punctuation Grammar Continuity: Exemplary. Very clean! Clarity: One issue in the very beginning, about the pick up truck. I write more about it in the Suggestions for Improvement below. Also, there were several instances where an incorrect word with a meaning askew from what you were trying to convey was used. This type of thing causes Reader to hiccup or worse, stop reading to go back and re-read in order to gather info to decipher your intended meaning. If English isn't your first language, I might suggest you ask a friend whose native tongue is English to proofread on your behalf. That said, there weren't so many that it would stop me from reading onward. It's more because this is SO good, I want you to make it all it can be. I do not think you will have any trouble finding a publisher for this. Hook: This chapter starts with a hook, concludes with a hook, and has multiple mini-hooks throughout. I can't imagine anyone not wanting to read on.  SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT  In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in this portion of my review: Your Words My Impressions as I Read Editing Suggestions her rounded corner of the bed [did you mean, the truck bed?] Suggest making it clear. I pictured an actual mattressed bed with rounded edges, in a cell, since that is where her memory had taken her in the previous sentence. When you mention the bed again in the next few paragraphs, I got a little hung up on it, returning to th opener to re-read. but he had helped her runaway. run away Cynthia waited until the last body had launched from the vehicle to leave. 2 things: are they carrying dead bodies with them? For clarity, did you mean Cynthia waited to leave until the last of them had jumped from the vehicle. submerging darkness. Nope. Darkness does not submerge. it just doesn't, and you can't make it so.  Beside that was a flat table just a hump off the ground. if they are on the third floor, perhaps you mean the table was a hump off the floor, not the ground. CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition! It has been a fun adventure reading your Chapter One.   This review has been prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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