Hi Aaron Arellano- Broken Soul, I'm reviewing your work, Prologue Pt. 1: The Eternal War, at your request.

Good writing requires re-viewing and revising. I think it's realistic to conclude you can only review as well as you can write. In many cases, I may benefit more from reviewing than the writer being reviewed. Please consider the following review as my humble attempt as a fledgling writer to help other writers in their pursuit of their art.

General Impressions:
This is a fantasy piece-- an epic tale of good against evil, but another prominent element thrown in -- unintended, unanticipated consequences of what we think are good choices based only on our perceptions of reality without regard for others' viewpoints. In fact-- no thought that another person could have a viewpoint. Which is interesting as it goes along with a book I'm reading now "Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel and Want" by Nicholas Epley. The protagonist in this story, Niah, the Grand Mother, essentially dehumanizes Barath which sets the sordid events in motion. This is likely played out over and over in our world with the same consequences-- eternal war.

Essential Elements: {i.e. Characters, Plot, Setting, Dialogue, etc.)
You have taken on quite a complex story that could be the basis for several books-- thinking Tolkein here. You've got your characteris in place, and your plot. Sometimes it was difficult to figure out who was talking. The dialogue was clearly meant to "elevate" the characters.

Suggestions:
I want to encourage you to work on this story. You've given a lot of information and brought in many, many characters too quickly. I had to keep going back to find out who was who because I didn't get enough information for me to "see" and understand each character so their identity was firmly formed in my mind. Again, the standard advice-- "show, don't tell" applies here-something I struggle to understand completely and apply to my own writing. This is probably one of the main reasons I haven't ventured further than short, short stories.

Please don't take this negatively as you're at a critical precipice that will determine whether you grow into an "author." I know, because I'm not yet able to hoist myself up and over this cliff! Our passage will forever be stymied if we don't work as hard as we can to meet this challenge. There's no easy way, no short cut--- but you're ahead of the game--- you have a story!

Just a few days ago I happened to stumble upon a piece here on WdC that was a light bulb moment for me. I hope this helps you too: "Invalid Item" . Also since you've got the basis of a massive story, I'd also suggest you read [#7786] "Map Your Course" 

Just a couple of additional suggestions: The names Malnhr and Milnhr are just too similar, so I'd advise your changing one. This might be intentional, but there's a clear pattern (saw one exception) in the names you chose-- Hadari, the Hasty Horse, Dargonin, the Daring Dragon etc. You also described the evil creatures as having "hairless skin like charcoal in color." I know your intent is to make the contrast between good and evil very distinctive, but this is overused and reinforces racial stereotypes I'm afraid.

I would be interested in following along as you develop your book. I'm afraid I can tell you what doesn't work, but I"m not the one to go to as to "how" to fix it. Now, I'm more confident in editing, so I'd be willing to offer those services.

As the author-you will grow and nurture your story as you see fit. I've just tried to add some nutrients, pull out some weeds, and tell you how your garden looks from my side of the fence. But when it comes down to it, it's your plot and you don't have to please anyone else but you.


I really enjoyed your story and I hope you find this review constructive and helpful. If I have encouraged and/or aided you, my fellow writer, in perfecting your craft, then this has been a very worthwhile endeavor.






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .