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 Review #4293255 |
| Hello, qoheleth Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  The opening does successfully remind us of Jean's character, informing us if we haven't read the first story, and also introduces the wonderful hook that Dracula is in town. However, try not to make Jean so accepting. She should be maybe more skeptical, more amazed and awed perhaps. Consider thoughts like, 'Wow, does Dracula really exist' or 'Really? Dracula? Come on, you're joking.' Whichever way you play it, I'd like to see more internal dialogue and emotion coming from Jean rather than just having her walk through the plot like it's any other day. Characters — are they well rounded?  Jean needs more internal voice, I feel. More emotional reaction to what's happening to her. I like Nicole as a friend. She's good because she gives the reader a fixed point, a person they can imagine. Also, if she likes Jean, she helps to make Jean more of a sympathetic character, which is great. However, consider just having Nicole on her own all the way through rather than an unquntified group of undescribed friends for which she's a given example. Niclole alone can come back into the club and save Jean, and you can actually show this by having Jean still conscious but in pain and unable to move by herself, then Nicole can arrive and together they're ablve to stumble out of the building. Then you can have the climactic final speech behind a dumpster or something as blue lights flash all around and police sirens howl in the background. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? I liked the plot of this one better than the first story because the ending isn't so clear cut and easy. Jean actually has to struggle, and that's better. It's good that she gets hurt so bad that she needs to be saved because that means she took real risks and really could have died in this story. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Great pace. If you can make your narrative a bit more active, then it'll be a great story. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? I feel your narrative is a little lacking, but it's difficult to put a finger on exactly why. Perhaps your verb choice is a little lacklustre, by which I mean you should use less 'was' and more specific action verbs that give more concrete action. Think about a few similies and more descriptive words — bring your text to life a little. I'd really like it to be more active in tone. Here's a few specific notes: Jean was pleased to see that her friends and others were surrounded by vampires and that the vampires were prolonging their feast by killing the innocents one at a time. - I know what you mean, but the way you've written it makes it sound as though Jean is pleased to see that the vampires were torturing and killing the humans. Rephrase so that she's pleased her friends still lived. Also, consider having it as just Nicole, just one friend. It's more engaging for the reader if they can imagine the victim, and a specific person is more concrete than an unquantified and barely described group. Better visuals. Jean was then spotted by Nicole, who was understandably shocked that her friend was there. - this is telling and from Nicole's pov. Try to keep it from Jean's pov, ie. something like: Jean was then spotted by Nicole, whose eyes widened as she gaped at her friend. then used her fire amulet to light him on fire - try to avoid phrases where the effect is so obvious that it looks silly to state, eg. "The spearman took his spear and speared the prisoner in the chest." In this example, maybe simply 'then used her amulet to burn him' Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? The dialogue is okay, but sometimes doesn't sound like teenage kids talking. Try reading your dialogue aloud and then thinking about if that's how kids sound. "Jean! What's going on?! Are these vampires?!" Nicole hysterically yelled. - there's something implausible about a terrified girl faced with beasts with blood dripping from their teeth and people dying around her speaking so rationally and asking questions. Consider something more like, "Jean, get outta here! They're killing everyone." "Get down!" Jean screamed. - Duck! Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Settings were okay, but I'd like more sensory information. For example, when the club is on fire, I'd like Jean to feel the heat and also the pain as her hand gets burned. When she gets stabbed, I'd like to feel her pain a little at that moment. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? I like Jean and that she's a witch who talks to God. I also think it's cool she's chosen the 'altruistic' route. However, as you're well aware, she is a Willow/Buffy hybrid and so the idea isn't really original except for the 'God' bit. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. I like the second story better than the first, mainly because the ending is less straightforward, but also because Jean now has a friend and it makes her a more sympathetic and likeable character. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/19/2017 @ 11:01am EST