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 Review #4294313 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  The opening is simply a continuation of the action from the last chapter and is actually quite confusing because you don't remind the reader what the situation was at the end of the last chapter before restarting. There's really no hook at all. To be honest, I think you'd be better off adding the first part of this chapter onto the end of the preceding chapter. In that way, you can end on a cliffhanger, eg. at the point Jason slams on the brakes, or when Adrian appears in the woods, or possibly, though I'd really want this in this chapter, the moment they arrive at the end of the tunnel. Characters — are they well rounded?  Adrian is a cool new character. Nothing wrong with him. I like the improved attitude towards Derek. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Though I'm not happy with the structure of the chapter, as noted under 'hook' above, this is your "Wardrobe" moment. Up until now, I'd assumed that these vampires lived entirely in our world. Now I realise that this is more like Harry Potter, and there's another world separate but parallel to our world where these mythical creatures live. Cool! Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? The pace is okay, but could be much better if you got rid of the first bit and tacked it onto the preceding chapter, and I feel you need to slow down a bit as they enter this magical world because they're going to want to gape, and you really need to SHOW the reader what's different about this place rather than just throwing us three vague sentences and then getting bogged down in an "engaging" conversation with Adrian, who is possibly the least interesting thing about this whole place because he's essentially just a human, and looks just like any other human, when they've just entered a world populated by mythical creatures and with scenery different to Earth. SHOW the difference at this point, don't focus on what looks the same like Adrian. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? This chapter needs a lot of editing! Please see the notes below. , if only Hassorev could see you now. - it's a stand alone sentence so it should begin with a capital. I was a bit confused reading this, though. Isn't Hassorev sitting next to him? Perhaps you should mention that Hassorev is also asleep before this thought? Remind the reader who's there before introducing ideas like this. Jason swung the wheel and the boys in the back slid to the left hand side - wouldn't they slide right if he turned sharply left? A horse walked across the road and Jason jammed on his breaks. - brakes. Jake gazed out of the window and saw ponies, horses and deer's gander through the woods. - deer, not deer's. Deer is already plural anyhow. 'gander' means a look or a glance. In archaic English it did mean to wander foolishly, but that definition is no longer current. Cows and sheep graze in fields and heard birds chirp in trees. - this sentence is rather all over the place. It begins in present tense (though the whole narrative is in past) then changes grammatical subject from animals to the protagonists without introducing a new subjective pronoun to show this, eg. Cows and sheep grazed in fields, and they heard birds chirp in trees. and inhaled the air of the country. - and inhaled the country air. - would be tighter. "The dots disappeared." - dot's - a contraction of 'dot' and 'has' flicked the toarch back on and cut the bag in half over the boys. - did you mean that the lazer torch is like a light sabre and he used it to cut the bag in two? It's not clear. well, lets just say not every creature follows the rules of war." - let's - a contraction of 'let' and 'us' "This is Adoliofo you fool." - comma before 'you fool' as this is a form of address even if rude.  I'm so sorry junior general. - likewise, comma before 'junior general' How was I supposed to know - this is a question, so at the end we need a question mark Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? For this chapter only, setting is the very MOST IMPORTANT part of your story. Your characters have just entered a magical realm. SHOW IT!!! They walked towards it and out into the fresh air. Jake gasped as he saw High Mountains on one side of a valley and an orchard on the other side. At the far end of the valley, he saw huts and soldiers in uniform as they marched up and down the entrance to the haven. The view took his breath away. - what you have here already is great, but given how different to Dartmoor this place is, I feel you need a lot more description at this key moment in time. This is your "Diagonal Alley" moment - your first walk through the "Wardrobe" - your arrival in "Never Never Land". You need to go into a lot more description and talk about how fresh the air is, how warm/cold it is, what it smells like, what's different about these soldiers and what makes the orchard and valleys different to what's on the other side of the tunnel? eg. maybe snow topped mountain peaks, and trees like giant sequoias, and soldiers dressed in uniforms like in some period drama, with red jackets, bearskin hats and gold braid on their shoulders etc. The boys were so engrossed in the story, they didn't realise they had reached their destination. - you might like to describe the building at this point. I mean, even though the conversation was interesting, they've just arrived in "Narnia" so I doubt they'd be focused entirely on Adrian rather than gaping at the fantasy landscape around them, and if Grandad's house is a mansion or castle, surely they'd spot it from some good distance away? Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? Great theme. No complaints here. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. This is a really good chapter in terms of plot and character development, but structure is quite terrible and the narrative needs considerable editing. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/31/2017 @ 9:59am EST